Teen Survives 11-Hour Kayak Ordeal; Coast Guard Confirms It’s Not the Worst Use of Your Wednesday Night

[ad_1]
HONOLULU (AP) — In a thrilling episode of “Survivor: Make Poor Life Choices Edition,” a 17-year-old hero, Kahiau Kawai, showed just how far one can go to avoid facing academic responsibilities. After becoming a lone pilot of his kayak—without the trendy accessory of a life jacket—he spent over 11 hours fully embracing the Hawaiian waters, just half a mile from Waikiki’s Sheraton, proving that ocean currents can indeed be better at navigation than high school paddling teams.

His aquatic adventure began when he and his fellow paddlers took an unscheduled detour into the deep blue, perhaps in search of clarity amid their impending homework deadlines. The rapidly shifting tides granted him the perfect opportunity for self-reflection—or a long, wet nap—as he hung onto his kayak like it was a lifebuoy sent straight from the gods of bad decision-making.

As rescuers combed the night, his parents offered gratitude to the state, city, and federal agencies for their prompt response. Meanwhile, they simultaneously endured the comedic tragedy of wondering how their child managed to capsized before finishing his sophomore year of high school. Kahiau’s liver was likely regretting the previous weekend’s beach shenanigans while he was powerless against that entirely preventable oceanic chaos.

At the crack of dawn, a Coast Guard airplane, possibly part of the Hawaiian branch of “Where’s Waldo?” spotted him and waved the brightly lit flare of hope—or possibly the world’s least useful call to brunch. Off-duty lifeguard Noland Keaulana, channeling generations of Polynesian watermen wisdom, pursued the flare not for glory, but in the spirit of community, and perhaps to avoid an awkward conversation with his work supervisor about how he wasn’t actively rescuing drowning teens when someone clearly needed a lifeguard.

Upon summoning the strength to rejoin civilization, Kahiau was met not with applause but with a reality check: hypothermia and injuries from his loyal cling to the kayak, which may or may not have had a better grip on reality than a teenage boy during finals week.

Though Kahiau emerged from the depths of the irony-laden waves, slightly worse for wear, his parents could rest easy knowing they had a resilient kid capable of floating through personal crises—quite literally—and indulging in a very special “thank you” to a lifeguard who couldn’t let a kid drown without first writing the next chapter in Hawaii’s greatest awkward rescue romance.