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In a plot twist that could only happen in a political satire, a 62-year-old Philadelphia man, John Pollard, decided that sending a few friendly texts about being a poll watcher wasn’t enough and instead opted to give a masterclass in how to scare election volunteers into next Tuesday. Apparently, when the state party representative didn’t respond quickly enough to his charming invitation, Pollard escalated from, “I’d love to help out!” to “I will KILL YOU IF YOU DON’T ANSWER ME!”—talk about raising the stakes!
And just in case the representative wasn’t clear on his intentions, Pollard continued with, “Your days are numbered, B**ch,” which really screams ‘civic engagement,’ doesn’t it? His final masterpiece was a heartfelt message about skinning the rep alive for use as “f***ING toilet paper”—truly the heights of political discourse.
Of course, this all comes at a ripe time, just weeks before the 2024 presidential election, as the Justice Department aims to combat threats against those brave souls who dare to observe democracy in action. Nothing says ‘we care about our election workers’ like a five-year prison sentence for interstate threats, which Pollard is now facing—solitary confinement might just give him the silence he craved from unanswered texts.
As it stands, Pollard appears to be hunting for an attorney more elusive than a straight answer from a politician. Perhaps he should have opted for a heart emoji instead? Who knew polling could get so bloody?
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