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In a fantastic circus of democracy, Georgia and North Carolina have officially kicked off their early in-person voting, much like sending out invitations to a party nobody is sure they want to attend. Georgia has reportedly shattered its own early voting record—over 188,000 brave souls decided they’d rather stand in line than engage in their daily existence. Gabriel Sterling, sounding more like a game show host than a state official, declared, “HUGE!” Apparently, the state’s attempt to understand democracy involves crushing records while voters crush their souls waiting in line.
As Hurricane Helene swept through, smashing homes and dreams, officials managed to find time between dodging falling trees to promise voters they could still cast their ballots. It’s a comforting thought that amidst the chaos, voting would still trudge forward; nothing says “we’re handling this” like having a voting booth in the midst of a disaster zone.
But wait! It seems state laws are rolling in like the ultimate buzzkill. These new rules, straight from the Playbook of Bureaucratic Nonsense, have slashed the number of drop boxes, causing voters to rethink using those marooned tourist traps. “The drop boxes have really been made so inconvenient to use that fewer voters are able to utilize them,” laments some poor soul at All Voting is Local. Who knew voting could turn into a scavenger hunt that also requires a map?
For those standing in line fearing they might starve before voting, fear not! A grand law makes it illegal to provide food or drink to citizens doing their civic duty—because apparently, democracy is a no-snack zone now. Thank you, Larry David, for highlighting this absurdity; we didn’t need your comedy skills to see this one coming.
Now onto the speed of election results—another fantastic idea presented by our very own Georgia State Election Board, where counting ballots has turned into a suspenseful game of “How Slow Can You Go?” They’ve decided to roll out a hand count of ballots, which is basically giving up on having your results before people wake up to the next day’s coffee grind.
And remember that hurricane? North Carolina officials rushed to secure polling places in style—by tossing their voters newfound choices between dodging downed power lines or figuring out how to cast a ballot while their homes are still drying out from the storm. Nothing like the thrill of voting when your house just became an advanced water feature.
In case you thought mail-in ballots were a leisurely stroll, think again! Voters are now on a tight schedule—ballots must be received by the magical hour of 7:30 p.m. on Election Day. Forget the grace period; why should we allow citizens some extra time to have their voices heard?
Now, let’s talk IDs! North Carolina voters must now present acceptable forms of identification, but if a hurricane wipes out your wallet? Well, you get to fill out a form and hope that’s enough to make the bureaucrat’s cold, dead heart grow a size or two.
In short, folks, the Peach State and the Tar Heel State are proving that a little disaster mixed with legislative shenanigans creates a deliciously absurd cocktail of democracy—the kind that leaves voters thinking, “Well, at least I can laugh about this while I’m waiting in line.”
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