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In a delightful twist of political absurdity, former President Donald Trump recently graced us with his presence at the Chicago Economic Club, where he dipped a toe into the murky depths of international relations without so much as a life preserver. When asked about his communications with Russian President Vladimir “I’ve Got Pictures” Putin, Trump chose the classic politician’s art of dodging. “Well, I don’t comment on that,” he said, channeling his inner secret agent. “But I will tell you that if I did, it’s a smart thing!” Because nothing screams “smart” like maintaining a backchannel to a reputed kleptocrat from your hotel room.
Over the years, Trump has cultivated a love-hate relationship with Putin that rivals only those of reality TV stars and their producers. It’s rumored (by Bob Woodward, of all people) that the two have been chatting it up like high school frenemies since Trump flew the presidential coop in early 2021. But when ABC News asked him directly, it was like asking a toddler if they’d devoured all the cookies—“No, I have not. That’s false,” he insisted while clearly eyeing the cookie jar.
In a spectacular act of cognitive dissonance, Trump praised his past actions toward Putin while claiming he had “tough” conversations with the man, including an accidental termination of the Nord Stream II pipeline. “I said I don’t comment on those things,” he retorted, a line that could serve as the motto for a career built on chaos and cryptic soundbites.
During his latest interview, Trump waxed poetic about the peaceful handoff of power following the January 6th Capitol craziness. “So people were angry,” he explained, as if suggesting a flash mob storming the Capitol was just an impromptu dance party gone wrong and everyone forgot their moves. “A lot of strange things happened there,” he added, leaving us to ponder the mysteries of life: like why police would let rioters in but would deny the fun police.
Anticipating a future of “America First” and tariffs that would make any accountant weep, Trump asserted that he would make imports pay through the nose. Would it really be the foreign countries footing the bill? Economists are shaking their heads, rolling their eyes, and putting dings on their calculators, insisting those tariffs land squarely in the laps of the U.S. consumers, who then must pay extra for avocados and cheap trinkets.
To the critics whining about national debt, Trump waved his hands and conjured images of factories sprouting like daisies in the American sun. “We’re going to grow! We’re going to bring companies back!” he exclaimed, launching into the wild promise that the auto industry will soon rival the population of Michigan itself. Only a true visionary could tie together cutting taxes, adding trillions to the debt, and claiming that the invisible hand of capitalism was somehow incompetent.
“100%, 200%, or 2,000% tariffs!” he blurted with the casual confidence of a game show host, presenting the world’s highest-stakes guessing game: how much more will your grocery bill rise? Nonetheless, it seems bringing all those factories home could take “many years,” just enough time to have new generations wonder what American manufacturing looked like in a history book.
Such is the splendid circus of politics—where the clowns might just be running the show, but they’re doing it with a flair that leaves us all holding our sides in equal parts laughter and disbelief.
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