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In a stunning show of “diplomatic prowess,” President Joe Biden’s administration has decided to play a game of geopolitical whack-a-mole, supporting Israel as they devise the most creative ways to deal with that pesky neighbor, Hezbollah. It turns out that sending missiles is much easier than calling for a cease-fire—who knew?

So, what’s the grand plan for Lebanon? The U.S. is hoping that by weakening Hezbollah, the Lebanese can finally elect a president who might remember what a government looks like—ideally one who doesn’t need to double as a party planner for a war. After all, nothing says “let’s have a peaceful election” like bombing the competition into submission!

State Department spokesperson Matthew Miller chimed in at last week’s briefing, asserting, “Israel has the right to conduct these limited incursions.” Because nothing says “limited” like a barrage of artillery—who doesn’t love a good fireworks show when you’re trying to degrade a militant’s capabilities?

And as for the U.N. resolution 1701, intended to snuff out hostilities quicker than a candle in a hurricane, let’s just say it’s nicely gathering dust for the past decade. Just picture the U.N. trying to organize a peacekeeping mission while Hezbollah arms itself with enough rockets to make the Fourth of July feel like a Sunday picnic.

Fast forward to the present: Nearly 20 years after that ill-fated resolution, Hezbollah appears to be more of a well-armed party than Lebanon’s version of “The People’s Party,” boasting around 150,000 missiles—talk about overcompensating! While Lebanon’s economy crumbles, and people barter with bottles of olive oil for a loaf of bread, the real question is: who’s going to call dibs on the next vacant presidential seat now that the last one has been empty since 2022?

Since the delightful kickoff of the current conflict with Hamas’s less-than-hospitable welcome to Israel, Hezbollah decided to join the fray, raining down rockets like a roguish party guest who refuses to leave. Israel responded with a little something they call “massive bombing,” perfectly timed to coincide with the Lebanese version of a neighborhood block party gone horribly wrong.

And let’s not forget about the good folks at UNIFIL, our peacekeeping heroes, who apparently forgot they were supposed to prevent Hezbollah from using civilian homes as their personal armor garages. But hey, it’s all part of the chaos—who needs stability when you can have chaos wrapped in irony?

So, while we watch this logistical ballet of military might and snappy one-liners play out, remember: in political affairs, especially in the Middle East, the absurd is the norm, and the punchlines are all too real.

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