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Title: Army Crafts and Crafts: The Great Boat Fiasco
In what can only be described as a miraculous demonstration of failing upward, a new government oversight report has revealed that the U.S. Army’s boats are about as ready for action as a cat in a swimming pool. Yes, those watercraft that bravely attempted the Gaza pier mission are now lounging around in the Pacific like an unprepared frat boy at a final exam. The Government Accountability Office, or as we like to call them, the Official Watchdog of Watercraft Woes, has featured this fine spectacle in their latest production titled “The Fleet That Forgot How to Float.”
With the mission-capable rate dipping below a staggering 40%—despite the Army’s own policy demanding 90%—the military’s delightful collection of rust buckets has seen a reduction from 134 to a mere 70 vessels since 2018. You’d think they were hosting a shipyard version of The Hunger Games, but instead, it’s just good old-fashioned neglect. Apparently, the older ships were feeling so outdated, they decided to throw themselves under the nearest repair truck instead of showing up for duty.
"It’s a real problem when less than half the fleet is even available at any given time. It’s almost like sending a star player into a championship game while they’re still in their pajamas," Army officials lamented. The temporary pier to deliver humanitarian aid had about as much support as a three-legged chair, with boats that wouldn’t know ‘operational readiness’ if it hit them in the hull.
This year, the Army boats made headlines like paparazzi-favored celebs during their troubled mission—think of it as the navy’s take on an extended vacation, but without the sunscreen or margaritas. When your vessels manage to run aground in a dynamic sea and cost taxpayers $230 million for a glorified pit stop, it’s easy to see why the Army skipped right over to civilian contractors for a ride home. Apparently, they couldn’t even be trusted to navigate back to shore on their own. “Just send them back with a lift from the neighbors,” they said, as if borrowed boats were the new military strategy.
Meanwhile, the Army is contemplating a switch to fancy autonomous boats—because nothing screams ‘trustworthy defense’ like robots navigating the tumultuous Pacific waves with the same elegance as a toddler in a ball pit. Col. Dave Butler assured reporters, “Everyone else is doing it! Let’s just make sure our robot operators don’t serve pizza rolls for lunch.”
A striking example of maintenance incompetence is the Landing Craft Utility vessel that has been under repair since 2018. By now, it’s practically a local landmark, and its story reads like a five-season drama streaming on Netflix. Originally scheduled for a brisk turnaround, it took the Army nearly three years to discover that more than 40% of the hull needed significant "unplanned repairs"—which, in military speak, is code for "oops, we didn’t look inside that one."
And let’s not forget the safety features—like that bow ramp that dropped off during a 2022 joyride near Japan. Ten years of safety concerns and the Army’s approach looked more like "What, me worry?" than any military readiness. Instead, they acted on it only after a GAO briefing that served as a reminder, “Hey guys, maybe we should actually be able to load and unload our troops safely?”
As Army Secretary Christine Wormuth reassures us that the military is “actively pursuing a holistic approach,” we can only hope they’re consulting a crystal ball while they’re at it. They’re even considering leasing civilian watercraft—essentially admitting they need to hire outside help as a plan B.
An oversight board was established recently, but as of May, they hadn’t even figured out what time to hold meetings. Who needs communication when you’re busy with boat dramas? They’ll get around to it—eventually, like bad Wi-Fi in a bunker.
In a world of chaos, let’s take solace in the knowledge that our military may soon be run by boats that don’t just float but function autonomously, preventing even more delightful disasters from making headlines. After all, in a time where uncertainty reigns, it’s comforting to think that our troops might be delivered by self-driving vessels that reflect the glorious unpredictability of modern warfare. Who knew the future of the Army would include both watercraft and watercolors?
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