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Former President Donald Trump has recently resurfaced, drumming up a bizarre symphony of headlines that could only be composed in the hall of political absurdity. His campaign appearances have become a masterclass in how to wield military threats as casually as one might discuss cereal options for breakfast—though let’s hope the military has better taste than some of his supporters who went full wrestling match during the Capitol riot.

“Enemy from within,” he boldly declared, as if channeling some Shakespearean tragedy, where the plot twist is that his political opponents are more dangerous than a herd of rabid raccoons raiding a garbage can on a hot summer night. His promise to unleash the military on fellow citizens during a friendly election season just adds a new level of excitement—like inviting your relatives over for Thanksgiving dinner and warning them not to bring up politics, or else.

In one of his unforgettable town hall performances—part campaign crawl, part awkward dance-off—the former president transformed a stage into a slapstick circus, where some jubilant viewers dubbed it “inspiring” while the rest of us were left awkwardly peering through our screens, wishing we’d chosen a more relaxing activity, like watching paint dry.

Despite withdrawing from the solemn inquiries of “60 Minutes,” he delightfully flitted about other interviews, with responses that could generously be described as a stream of consciousness resembling a toddler in a candy store. His approach could win awards for most creative interpretations of basic political principles, where his ramblings on in vitro fertilization had him declaring himself the “father of IVF.” It’s a bold claim, considering he seems to need a quick rundown of the concept following a legislative hiccup in Alabama—not exactly the biology lesson we expected from the leader of the free world.

Oh, that child tax credit question? The one where he pretended to care about motherly woes while conveniently leaving out the part where his own tax cuts would expire next year, making for a great spectacle—but not a very good story for mom. “What’s that?” you hear? Oh, it’s just the sound of Republicans suggesting they’re the party for IVF while simultaneously hearing crickets from anti-abortion activists who apparently missed the memo.

Then there are Trump’s comments on the “enemy from within” during a chat about Election Day threats posed by Chinese migrants. The juxtaposition surely left viewers scratching their heads. It’s like inventing a horror movie where the villain is a mismatched sock collection.

Later on, he somehow marveled that past presidents hadn’t charged China a dime while lamenting the state of Detroit as if it were a dystopian novel—the irony being that Michiganders are busy celebrating a city revival that could put a burst of glitter in any political poutfest.

All while, he was the self-proclaimed king of tariffs—because who doesn’t love a tax on their imports to make their own products seem steady? “Tariff!” he exclaimed as if it was magic, expecting them to work wonders like magic beans sprouting into beanstalks. Meanwhile, the “big problem” was Democrats and left-wing “lunatics,” suggesting the enormous problem of perception wasn’t rooted in facts but rather in a rather aggressive distortion field.

If we put together the mental gymnastics he performed during interviews, they’d probably win gold at the Olympics. “You’ve got to finish a thought!” he proclaimed, while simultaneously hopping from trade wars with France to nuclear negotiations, like a kid with a sugar rush at a candy store—never really sure which candy to stick with.

In this wild episode of American politics, where every spin feels more like a sitcom than a serious discussion, we can all agree: Love and peace may have descended on January 6, but if you blinked, you might have missed the punchline. Here’s hoping the next election cycle manages to balance the tactical absurdity with a pinch of dignity—though, let’s face it—where’s the fun in that?

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