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In a bold move that can only be described as corporate self-care, Walmart announced its proposed settlement regarding some pesky lawsuits from shareholders. You know, the kind of lawsuits where investors realize their stock isn’t worth what they expected because the company inadvertently turned into the neighborhood opioid dealer.
According to a regulatory filing that sounds more like a shopping list than a legal document, Walmart is set to pocket a whopping $123 million from insurance carriers. That’s before the legal team gets their cut, of course—because what’s a sordid scandal without a few high-priced lawyers feasting on the trauma like it’s a big box of clearance nachos?
The best part? Walmart is still not admitting to any wrongdoing. Nope, just a charming little wink and nod to the court as they promise to maintain “corporate governance practices” for the next five years. Because if there’s one thing America loves more than a sad opioid crisis, it’s a company pretending to care about its governance practices while still counting its cash.
This little drama has been unfolding in the Delaware Court of Chancery, where shareholders were basically throwing a fit because executives weren’t paying enough attention to their pill-peddling empire—clearly expecting the directors to manage more than just the self-checkout lines.
In a flashback that’s almost comical in its tragedy, let’s not forget that back in 2022, Walmart coughed up a mere $3.1 billion to settle lawsuits over how their pharmacies turned into the candy stores of prescription painkillers. But hey, at least the shareholders are getting a slice of the pie now, proving once again that when it comes to America’s love affair with profits and prescriptions, there’s always a way to cash in on the chaos.
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