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The Justice Department took a deep breath and decided to dive headfirst into the political kiddie pool, filing a lawsuit against Virginia over its brilliant scheme to kick potential voters to the curb. Because nothing says “freedom” like making sure only those with the proper paperwork get to vote—like a bouncer at a club, but instead of a guest list, it’s DMV records. Who knew a license plate could be your golden ticket to democracy?
The feds, wielding a law book like a bat, pointed out that you can’t just purge people from the rolls willy-nilly within 90 days of an election. Apparently, they missed the memo that elections are just a fancy dress-up party for politicians, and who needs pesky eligible voters ruining the fun? Assistant Attorney General Kristen Clarke, looking like she just stepped out of a civil rights comic book, emphasized the importance of “crystal clear and unequivocal restrictions” as if they were etched in stone tablets somewhere. Maybe we should have handed them out at the DMV—“Thou shalt not purgeth thy voters.”
Meanwhile, in the land of scarves and executive orders, Governor Glenn Youngkin, channeling his inner James Bond villain, declared that the lawsuit was merely a “politically motivated action.” Yes, folks, forget that pesky thing called democracy; all this is just a political drama featuring the world’s least thrilling villain. And rest assured, Youngkin pledged he wouldn’t “stand idly by”—cue the superhero music while he finds a cape or something equally ridiculous.
Oh, and let’s not forget about Alabama—where the Justice Department decided it wasn’t just Virginia that was auditioning for a part in the “Purge: Voter Edition” saga. They filed a similar suit, because apparently, Alabama thought if Virginia could do it, why not join the fun?
As the Justice Department seeks to “restore the ability of impacted eligible voters to vote unimpeded on Election Day,” one wonders how many more state-level games of “who can exclude voters the best” we’re in for before this charade is over. Stay tuned; the next election might just require a manual on “how to possess all the right documents without crying yourself to sleep.”
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