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Two salsa-dancing US Navy aviators have officially been declared deceased, several days post their rather dramatic audition for “Survivor: Mount Rainier Edition.” The tragic mishap? An EA-18G Growler fumbled its way down during what was supposed to be a training jaunt, turning the majestic Washington scenery into an impromptu battlefield for whatever scavengers fancy a free meal.
Cmdr. Timothy Warburton, head honcho of the Electronic Attack Squadron 130—aptly nicknamed the “Zappers” because nothing sends a jolt like a couple of giants crashing into the woods—issued a heartfelt message that could rival a Hallmark card, expressing, “It is with a heavy heart…” while presumably trying not to trip over the irony of training for safety amidst explosive outcomes. The Commander then shifted gears from the somber to family-friendly, claiming they were focused on the well-being of the families left behind, likely without considering that saving face might come first.
Days after the tragedy, which was about as convenient as a flat tire during a road trip, search-and-rescue teams made an entrance worthy of a sequel to a disaster flick. They finally located the wreckage two days post-crash, after checking all the likely “rest stops” of the area. The Navy’s latest search and recovery tactic appeared to involve a mix of zen meditation and hopeful prayer rather than a robust, action-packed response committee.
Despite the gory details unfolding like a poorly penned script, debacle enthusiasts were informed personnel were still on-site collecting debris, treating the scene like an elaborate scavenger hunt. “Look, a piece of wing! And what’s this? Is that a glove?… ooh, a mystery!”
As of this latest update, the identities of the two crew members are under wraps—and let’s be honest, they’re likely just as anonymous as the cause of the crash, which is being investigated with the thoroughness of a toddler cleaning up after finger painting.
In case viewers were wondering about the aircraft itself, it’s an EA-18G Growler—essentially a Super Hornet pretending to be an electronic wizard. This particular Growler had recently returned from a deployment where it “scored the first-ever air-to-air kill by a VAQ squadron in Navy history,” so it’s safe to say it might have wanted to prove it still had some fighter spirit left in it. Spoiler alert: It didn’t end well. And while the Navy works through their “never-ending story” of recovery efforts, maybe next time, they’ll ensure the only thing crashing down is the stock market!
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