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In a dazzling display of optimism generally reserved for lottery winners, United Airlines has dropped news that they’re about to embark on a sumptuous $1.5 billion share buyback program, all while flashing their surprisingly cheerful earnings report from the bustling summer travel season. This makes one wonder if perhaps they’ve stumbled upon a secret stash of board game money after all those pandemic woes.
As United’s planes soared through the skies, they also managed to report an adjusted $3.33 earnings per share for the third quarter, which happily eclipsed the mildly pessimistic expectations of $3.17. Is it just me, or does anyone else find it absolutely hilarious that they can wing it so well while passengers are still enduring those leg-cramping, elbow-bumping middle seats?
United Airlines also anticipates whisking up an adjusted $2.50 to $3.00 per share in the last quarter. This optimistic outlook must come as a shock to the 740 passengers they’ve crammed into a single flight to New York.
Now, let’s dive into the numbers for those with dollar signs in their eyes:
- Earnings per share: $3.33 adjusted vs. $3.17 expected (an achievement celebrated with a casual sip of overpriced in-flight coffee)
- Revenue: $14.84 billion vs. $14.78 billion expected (Does anyone else find it amusing that they make more money than many small nations?)
Oh, and speaking of basic economy tickets, United’s supreme ingenuity realized a 20% increase in those. Who knew squeezing in a few more passengers would have them flying high on revenue?
United’s surge is crammed into the airline’s daring assertion that they’ve finally decided to experiment with a share buyback program—an idea that has more layers than a lasagna of bad ideas. The last time they performed this ballet was before the pandemic snatched away their dance cards in the form of a $50 billion government bailout that practically came with a “no divvy dance” clause. How delightfully ironic it is that they are now touting financial stability while carrying the scars of their pandemic past.
While United’s corporate revenue puffed itself up by 13%, their net income did the opposite, deflating a robust 15% year-on-year. Isn’t it funny how profits soar like hot air balloons while the bottom line deflates like a bad soufflé? And amidst the flight of fancy, United has even unveiled plans for flights to far-flung corners of the globe, hoping that the wanderlust of passengers is stronger than their desire not to sit next to an elbow-spilling stranger.
Airline executives will be taking to their invisible soapboxes during a call tomorrow, answering questions ranging from future demands to how they’re keeping their sanity while waiting on Boeing’s production issues after a monthlong machinist strike. Maybe they should just get crafty and hire some knitting grandmas to help improve production rates?
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