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Former President Donald Trump has grand schemes for his potential return to power—his master plan? Kicking millions of undocumented immigrants out of the U.S. like he’s trying to clear a particularly stubborn stain off the White House carpet. It’s like an overzealous bouncer at a club—“Your name’s not on the list? Out you go!”

At the Republican National Convention, his supporters practically cheered, waving “mass deportation now” signs like they were at a rock concert, rooting for the headliner’s latest spectacle. It’s the kind of family-friendly entertainment you’d expect from a sitcom, only this show is named “Kick ‘Em Out!” starring Trump as the flamboyant villain and his advisers as the bumbling henchmen trying to explain how this mass exodus would somehow make economic sense.

Tom Homan, the ex-ICE chief, could practically be a villain in his own right, warning, “If you’re in the country illegally, you better be looking over your shoulder!” Because nothing says “welcome” quite like the threat of a surprise visit from government agents equipped with eviction notices and heavy lifting equipment. Meanwhile, Stephen Miller has promised “the largest domestic deportation operation in U.S. history” like it’s the next Marvel blockbuster, except this one has a much smaller audience.

JD Vance is chomping at the bit to kick off this “greatest hits” deportation playlist, claiming they’ll first focus on “deporting criminals,” which is like trying to clean a messy house by only targeting the dust bunnies under the couch while leaving the rest of the place in shambles.

Experts, or as I like to call them, the “realistic party poopers,” have pointed out that executing this grand plan is more complicated and expensive than scoring tickets to the most exclusive show in town. What’s a little mass eviction among friends? A mere $960 billion over a decade if they hope to send a million undocumented immigrants packing each year. Who needs healthcare funds when you could have a super fancy deportation party?

The costs don’t stop there; we’re talking about new detention centers that Miller envisions would put the Great Wall of China to shame. “Greater than any national infrastructure project we’ve done to date,” he said, as if we weren’t already swimming in crumbling roads and bridges. Who doesn’t want facilities with all the charisma of a cement block, where they can host quite the soirée for 70,000 guests at a time?

But wait, it gets even juicier! Estimates say that the process of apprehending, detaining, processing, and booting out just one undocumented person costs around… drum roll, please… several thousand dollars! Forget luxury vacations; that’s the real elite status.

Meanwhile, as the deportation apparatus tries to ramp up like an underwhelming car on a cold morning, the immigration courts are backlogged like a holiday shopping spree gone wrong, just waiting to crush the dreams of anyone caught in the system.

And for those cheering the loudest for deportation, here’s a fun nugget of joy: nearly 18 million U.S. citizens under 18 have at least one undocumented parent. You know, the ones who might actually end up crying on live TV when their parents get yanked away, making for excellent ratings as the nation watches the “real-life consequences” of this national drama unfold.

As immigrant rights advocates remind us, the impact isn’t just a number on a balance sheet; any deportation operation sends shockwaves through communities like a horror movie plot twist: kids left behind and community centers turning into shelters for the suddenly parentless. After all, what’s more terrifying than a bureaucracy pretending to care about families while planning elaborate ways to dismantle them?

Finally, in the grand quest to save American jobs, every major economist warns that this might blow up in everyone’s faces like a badly baked soufflé. Removing hard-working people means less money flowing, fewer barbershop visits, and a downturn in the all-important taco truck economy.

So, as America gears up for a potential “deportation extravaganza,” let’s remember one crucial thing: the real twist in this political horror story isn’t the deportees—it’s how quickly the promised economic miracles turn into lasting nightmares for all of us. Grab your popcorn—this show is bound to get messy.

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