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In a masterclass of corporate sass, CBS News has decided to take a firm stance against Donald Trump, who is attempting to spin a web of legal woes over a recent “60 Minutes” tête-à-tête with Vice President Kamala Harris. CBS, clearly putting on its most fabulous lawyer wig, sneered that Trump’s demands are built on the ever-popular “faulty premise” foundation—perfect for the chaotic housing market of legal arguments.
They emphatically reminded Trump’s legal eagles that the First Amendment is like a huge, protective bubble that keeps editorial judgments safe from getting popped by former presidents’ legal tantrums. It’s like watching a confident toddler build a sandcastle, all while the tide of Trump‘s bluster threatens to wash it away, yet CBS just keeps adding more and more turrets.
“For that reason,” CBS declared, Trump’s legal threats are equivalent to trying to sue the wind—impossible and a tad ridiculous. They gently noted that he didn’t even bother to present a single legal basis for his demands, which is a real “A for effort” moment if we ever saw one. At least he tried to color outside the lines!
The drama unfurled after Trump had an “oopsie” moment and canceled a planned interview with “60 Minutes,” allowing CBS to scoop up the lovely Kamala Harris instead. What’s a good ratings-boosting ploy? A Trump-less prime-time special, of course! The result? An evening of riveting content on October 7 that really left an indelible mark—or, as Trump might say, a “fake mark” on history.
However, when viewers pointed out CBS had showcased not one, but two variations of Harris’s responses about Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu ignoring the U.S., the internet was ablaze. Did they accidentally put a beautifully edited two-part series in the wrong time slot? Netflix would be proud!
First on “Face the Nation,” Harris was showcasing her political prowess, reassuring everyone that America still has clout. But come Monday on “60 Minutes,” she suddenly channeled her inner politician with a statement that sounds like they hit the ‘shuffle’ button on the song of diplomacy—how curious! What did we learn from this? If at first you can’t confuse them, just mix the answer around until it fits into two separate time slots!
CBS, in their latest letter, contended they played Harris’s answer in its entirety—dosage timing just happened to flow in two consecutive broadcasts. They painted a picture of “nothing to see here,” although netizens were left scratching their heads like a dog puzzled over a laser pointer. The art of “constructive confusion” is alive and well in the news business, it seems.
Meanwhile, Trump’s team, on a quest worthy of a daytime soap opera, accused CBS of crafting a narrative that would make even Shakespeare proud. An attorney, Edward Andrew Paltzik, sent a letter that dripped with melodrama, claiming that Harris‘s response was a “word salad”—sounds like a new menu item at a fancy restaurant. “Please try the ‘Word Salad’ paired with your favorite dressing of deception!”
In the defense of the illustrious “60 Minutes,” CBS utilized their secret weapon—case law. Locking arms like a band of legal superheroes, they stated that editing is essential, much like oxygen is to a fish—a necessity that keeps broadcasters afloat while presenting the daily news buffet.
As the legal back-and-forth unfolded, CBS made it clear: don’t play legal chicken with a news organization that’s got its ducks in an editorial row. The sentiment: caving to Trump would be like letting a toddler successfully negotiate dessert time. This isn’t a negotiation; it’s a vibrant display of editorial resolve.
Throughout this circus, CBS unsurprisingly remained a juicy Target for Trump’s scorn. After all, the campaign trail is a lonely place when you can’t publicly rant about a news network at least a dozen times over two weeks. Just imagine the applause from supporters as he whips out the grievances.
While a rabid crowd calls for CBS’s broadcast license to be revoked, they might want to double-check a few details; CBS isn’t the one licensed by the FCC, but your local station is—so good luck with that complaint! If anything, the constant barrage of Trumpish commentary assures one thing: the unpredictability of the financial world—whether it’s mergers or media clashes—is indeed the best reality show going.
And that, dear reader, is the absurdity of mixing politics with prime time: it’s chaotic, it’s convoluted, and above all, it’s utterly unpredictable—like throwing a handful of jellybeans into a blender and hoping for smoothies. Spoiler alert: you’ll just get a big mess.
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