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In an unprecedented display of political optimism, Vice President Kamala Harris and some pals from Team Trump are betting that the former president will declare victory on election night—likely from his living room sofa, while polishing his golf clubs and ignoring the fact that ballots are still being processed like last week’s leftovers. Stormy mail-in ballots and provisional votes? Who needs ’em, right? Just toss them aside like a forgotten campaign promise!
According to a gaggle of Trump allies—who are more like an ensemble cast of a poorly-written sitcom—there’s a good chance Trump will shout “WINNER!” into the night sky, even if key states are still trying to figure out how to count the votes without resorting to an abacus and a prayer. They admit they’ve got no insider knowledge but hey, who doesn’t enjoy a little speculation over cocktails?
Meanwhile, Harris crew members are gearing up for a potential early victory lap by Trump, as if they’re preparing for a surprise invasion: “There he goes again!” This time, they’ve got seven aides, a solid plan, and an espresso machine fully loaded with caffeine-induced hope. “If he claims an early win, we’ll just call it ‘interpretative democracy’,” joked one aide, probably.
As for Trump’s late-night proclamations, Harris noted, “This is a person who incited a mob to attack the Capitol, but you know, let’s give him a gold star for creativity!” And oh, let’s not forget the sage wisdom of a former Trump adviser who easily predicted an early “victory” declaration with a deadpan, “Duh! Is the pope Catholic?” Because if anyone knows political theatrics, it’s a Trump ally clinging to hope like it’s the last slice of pizza at a party.
But fear not: a “red mirage” is on the horizon! That’s the magical moment when Republicans lead the polls turning into a comedy of errors, as mail-in votes trickle in days later like a bad sequel no one asked for—only to potentially put a damper on Trump’s jubilant “I’m the best!” speech.
From the shadows of the 2020 election emerged Roger Stone, the political equivalent of a mischievous gremlin, suggesting that history is cyclical. He noted the beauty of proclaiming victories at 3 AM, which usually goes about as well as a drunken karaoke session. “If you ain’t first, you’re last—at least until the recount,” he quipped, possibly eyeing a gold star or a conspiracy theory for his scrapbook.
In the midst of all this chaos, Team Harris is prepping for a legal battle so intense, it could rival a season finale cliffhanger. They’re not just whispering sweet nothings about the rule of law; they’re bringing in a legal army—to make sure Trump doesn’t just yell “I win!” like a five-year-old who lost a game of Monopoly. “We’re not going to let 2000 happen again! No more flip-flopping on the borderlines!” said an enthusiastic aide, probably sporting a cape.
Polling shows the race is as neck-and-neck as a headless chicken, but Trump’s narrative of victory is still rolling like a freight train with no brakes, and he has been making some… unique comments about Harris’s threats to society. “She’s a threat to democracy!” he declared with the enthusiasm of a kid on Christmas morning, right before diving into another round of “I’m winning everywhere, trust me!” as if he was giving out cookies at a bake sale.
And if it feels like the political circus is missing a tent, you’re not wrong. Grab your popcorn because the next episode of “As the Vote Counts,” featuring our favorite reality TV star slash ex-president is about to get hilarious—just remember to check for surprise legal challenges at the door!
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