Trump Encourages Early Voting—But Only Because He Needs to Fix the Clock He Broke

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In the latest episode of “What Will They Think of Next?”, our beloved former President Donald Trump has decided it’s time to perform a 180 on early voting, proving once again that political convictions can be as flexible as a yoga instructor at a pretzel factory. Republicans are now stumbling over one another to cast early ballots — nearly 19 million of them nationwide! It’s like they suddenly remembered the existence of democracy after a brief and embarrassing amnesia, which was apparently induced by Trump’s spammy conspiracy emails during the pandemic.

States like Georgia and North Carolina are seeing a voting frenzy reminiscent of Black Friday but with fewer injuries and slightly more verbal altercations about who has the better BBQ sauce recipe. This early voting extravaganza is the GOP’s latest attempt to repair the “Oops, we lost the election” mechanical glitch, which they’ve conveniently decided was caused by everything except the actual votes being counted. I guess someone forgot to read the manual on how to lead a political party.

After sending his followers spiraling down a rabbit hole of early voting paranoia in 2020 — convinced that their mail-in ballots were sprinkled with mind-control dust — Trump has now donned the “Vote Early” shirt, advocating for his supporters to ditch the last-minute panic and get their votes in early. It’s like watching your friend who swore off pizza suddenly bite into a slice while claiming it’s gluten-free.

In Nevada, Republicans are actually beating Democrats in early voting for the first time since the dawn of time (or at least since Before Trump). The voting data, however, is as clear as mud — sure, more people may have voted early, but no one knows what they actually decided. Is this a ticking time bomb or just people trying to avoid the long lines while munching on their fears?

One political scientist noted that the early voting debate might just be a “shuffling of deck chairs on the Titanic,” but it’s nice to know both parties are at least willing to engage in a bit of radical cooperation after spending years trying to sink each other. No amount of conspiracy theorizing can change the fact that both sides are now simply competing for who can collect more ballots before the big show.

Meanwhile, amidst hurricane destruction and other natural disasters (we’re looking at you, Hurricane Helene), North Carolina and Georgia have emerged with record-breaking early voting numbers. Nothing screams “we care about democracy” quite like voting while dodging debris, right?

The most heartwarming twist? At an event supported by Trump but orchestrated by Elon Musk (yes, the guy trying to sell us on life on Mars), audience members enthusiastically shouted “Why?” when encouraged to vote early. It seems that even the most die-hard fans are a bit skeptical of the timeline.

So, as we collectively prepare for the upcoming electoral circus, one overarching truth remains: no one has any earthly idea how this election will turn out. It’s a wild ride, folks! Let’s just take comfort in knowing that at least the high rates of voting show a certain enthusiasm on both sides. It’s like watching a fierce competition between toddlers armed with crayons — inevitably chaotic and delightfully absurd.