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In a spectacle reminiscent of a B-movie thriller, former President Donald Trump recently graced Aurora, Colorado – a place he often paints as a lawless wasteland teeming with “armed Venezuelan gang members” as if it were a sequel to “Escape from New York.” At a rally steeped in bravado, he proclaimed his mission to “rescue” the town, which he insists has been “conquered.” One can only imagine the troops he would need for this noble crusade, or just a decent GPS.
“My message is simple,” Trump declared, channeling every bad action hero trope imaginable, “No violent terror like that inflicted by Kamala Harris will ever reach the presidency!” Ah yes, because what screams security like invoking Kamala Harris in a city council debate about zoning laws?
As he decried the state of immigration with all the sensitivity of a bull in a china shop, Trump escalated his rhetoric against undocumented immigrants, referring to them as the “vicious and bloodthirsty criminals,” the likes of which you’d expect to see in the latest video game. Who needs context when the fabricated plot twists are just so much more thrilling?
On his latest escapade, Trump pointed to viral online stories like a desperate magician trying to distract his audience with smoke and mirrors. Armed individuals? Surely a gang takeover! Except, of course, police reports suggested it was less “gangland” and more “group of guys out for a stroll while waiting on takeout.”
Aurora’s Police Chief Todd Chamberlain, sounding notably more reasonable than the script villain, refuted Trump‘s claims. “This isn’t an immigration issue; it’s a crime issue,” he stated, like someone trying to clarify the difference between a house cat and a lion. His sentiments, however, got deemed irrelevant amidst the chaos of Trump‘s swirling narratives.
Even Mike Coffman, the city’s Republican mayor, stood up to the former president’s theatrics, insisting that Aurora is indeed a safe city, not a set from “Mad Max.” It’s like a reverse “We’re Not in Kansas Anymore” moment, where everyone remembers the mundane but Trump insists there’s a tornado brewing.
Yet, undeterred by facts—because who wants those ruining a good story?—Trump continued to amplify his “vigilante” horror tales, declaring the U.S. an “occupied country” and labeling the scene in Aurora a “full-blown invasion.” One has to hand it to him: if there were an Olympics for over-the-top metaphorical declarations, he’d be going for gold.
And let’s not forget Trump‘s flair for hyperbole, asserting he was about to kick off the “largest deportation in history” right under the noses of the unsuspecting citizens in Springfield and Aurora, who might not know they’re in the middle of a remake of a bad horror film featuring disgruntled immigration officers instead of zombie hunters.
Finally, as he ventured further into the absurdity of his campaign rhetoric, Trump summarized his campaign in Uniondale with a dramatic flair, “You may never see me again, but that’s OK.” Such a touching farewell hints there’s a horror movie script lurking underneath, where the scary truth might just be that he won’t return—thank goodness for small favors!
All in all, Trump’s latest antics are less of a political rally and more of a dystopian comedy where the facts are elusive, the fears are exaggerated, and everyone’s a potential—if not unintentional—actor in the farcical drama of modern politics.
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