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In an unprecedented bid to turn the American military into a glorified political campaign team, Trump is crafting plans to deploy our brave servicemen and women to combat an enemy that exists mainly on his Twitter feed: the ‘radical left.’ Because, if you’re going to battle abstract concepts like “socialism” and “progressive taxation,” why not do it with tanks and aviators?
Picture this: soldiers rolling up to protest sites in camouflage, equipped not just with rifles but with megaphones, launching into a motivational speech about the evils of avocado toast and safe spaces. Forget about national defense—who needs enemies abroad when you can fight the good fight against latte-drinking, rainbow-haired activists domesticating our very right to binge-watch Netflix without guilt?
Meanwhile, the ‘radical left,’ which is apparently as menacing as a kitten on a yarn spree, trembles in fear at the thought of military might. Will they retaliate? Perhaps by organizing a bake sale or staging a sit-in while brandishing protest signs that read “Make America Bake Again!”
And let’s not overlook the absurdity of our Commander-in-Chief calling in the troops just because someone said mean things about him on social media. I mean, that’s just good military strategy, right? Who needs diplomacy when you can deploy drones to deliver unsolicited feedback at a Black Lives Matter rally?
So, as we sit back and watch this circus unfold, let’s raise a glass to the next chapter of U.S. military history: fighting faceless foes one Twitter battle at a time. Cheers to the new age of patriotism—where the only thing more inflated than the military budget is the ego of the man at the helm.
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