Tobacco Giants Agree to Pay $24 Billion: Smoking’s New Role as Philanthropist

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In a plot twist that could only come from the creative minds of tobacco executives, three major tobacco companies have decided to step into the role of reluctant benefactors, pledging almost $24 billion to settle their ongoing legal fiasco in Canada. That’s right, folks! Just when you thought the tobacco industry couldn’t get any more comedic, they pulled off this multi-billion dollar payoff like a magician pulling a rabbit out of a burning cigarette.

Philip Morris International, otherwise known as the friendly neighborhood nicotine dealer, announced that they’ve finally reached a settlement with their Canadian affiliates—because, really, what’s a few billion bucks to a corporation that’s been selling lung cancer in a pretty package? CEO Jacek Olczak assured us in his best imitation of a benevolent overlord that this was a “welcome step” towards resolving “long-pending litigation.” Who knew that playing hide-and-seek with the Canadian judicial system could lead to such generous payouts?

This deal, which sounds more like a desperate divorce settlement than a corporate penalty, involves staggering amounts of cash. Provinces will get a slice of the pie – a whopping CN$24.8 billion! Meanwhile, the class action plaintiffs will receive a meager CN$4.25 billion, and those poor Quebec victims will see just CN$2.5 billion. Good luck figuring that out while puffing on your last cigarette.

And it gets even better: our benevolent tobacco titans will also donate over CN$1 billion to a foundation aimed at fighting tobacco-related diseases. Nothing like giving the victims of your product some of their own money back to “help” combat the effects of your handiwork—talk about a generous round of back-patting! Just to spice things up, a tasty CN$131 million will be delicately lifted from the Quebec plaintiffs’ funds. Because what’s a little theft among corporate friends?

So, gather ‘round, folks! The cigarette companies are here to save the day… or at least save their bank accounts. And remember, while they’re busy counting their billions in settlement payouts, they’ll still be packing those cancer sticks next door, just in case someone feels nostalgic for good old-fashioned mortality. Cheers to progress!