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In a plot twist worthy of a dark comedy, the Supreme Court found itself in a classically absurd dilemma this Tuesday as they pondered the plight of a former truck driver who got the boot after claiming that a “CBD-rich medicine” was his mellow excuse for failing a drug test. The courtroom, which could double as a circus tent, was alive with sparks flying from the conservative justices as they debated whether this driver, Douglas Horn, should be allowed to wield the RICO Act like a knight unsheathing a sword against the dragons of corporate injustice.
Ah yes, RICO—a law that started as a tool to take down mob bosses has now apparently been upgraded to a shiny Swiss Army knife for disgruntled employees. Horn, who suffered tremendous pain after a serious accident (ah, the joys of living—a real nail-biter!), took a gamble on “Dixie X,” a trendy CBD product that assured him it was THC-free. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t, and the only high he achieved was from the anticipation of a lawsuit.
While some justices appeared to rival soap opera characters in their emotional investment in whether losing a job qualifies as “injury,” others feared being buried under a mountain of frivolous lawsuits from people who claim their career was derailed by stubbed toes or embarrassing breakups. After all, who wouldn’t want to sue over a minor injury for triple damages? Sounds like the ultimate payday dive, doesn’t it?
Justice Elena Kagan took the lead in the absurdity Olympics, questioning how losing a job doesn’t translate to a little injury in the business of life. Imagine the courtroom filled with attorneys pitching “Was my coffee too hot?” cases—it’s a legal American Idol! Meanwhile, Chief Justice John Roberts and his sidekick Brett Kavanaugh worried aloud that this case might unlock the floodgates to a tsunami of RICO lawsuits for injuries so minor they barely qualify as a band-aid stain.
Kavanaugh suggested that allowing Horn to forge ahead could be the catalyst for a “dramatic, really radical shift” in tort law. Which, let’s be honest, sounds like the short title for a new reality TV series where the contestants battle over who can come up with the most ridiculous lawsuit—the prize? A one-way ticket to the nearest legal symposium, of course.
In this wild legal rodeo, the corporate villains—namely Medical Marijuana Inc.—strut their stuff arguing that Horn’s concerns were “all personal,” not “business-related,” similar to how fast-food chains argue that nobody really counts those extra fries when they’re contemplating a lawsuit for an overcooked burger.
And in the background? The ghost of Richard Nixon, whose RICO Act was originally penned to chase down mobsters, now stares in bewilderment as his beloved law finds itself in the nodding heads of the judiciary as they juggle squabbling politicians who think the law can be bent to target the likes of Donald Trump for attempting to pull off a modern-day heist of democracy—just another no-show in the circus of American politics.
Will Horn’s fate be determined by the vagaries of law and greed, or perhaps simply by which justice had their coffee that morning? Stay tuned, folks; this show’s just getting started!
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