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Sir Keir Starmer has launched himself into the thrilling world of defining “working people,” a quest reminiscent of searching for Bigfoot—lots of speculation, little evidence. Apparently, if you own shares or assets, you’re in the “not working” camp, as he believes true warriors of the workforce only receive their battle wages in the form of monthly paychecks. Those folks with an actual job, please stand back—those who get their income from assets mustn’t distract our fearless leaders from the noble art of muddled taxation policy.
Starmer’s definition prompts the same question every time: who gets to wear the working-class cape? The crux of the debate comes amid whispers about tax hikes that might miraculously be passed down to employees, as if the economic burden is simply a game of hot potato. Starmer dusted off his thinking cap and responded with a classic, “a working person is someone who earns their living, but definitely isn’t the kind of person who can write themselves a cheque for a spot of trouble.” I mean, who could afford that luxury?
Meanwhile, in an alternate universe where logic reigns, the Prime Minister dodged a direct answer about potential tax increases for the affluent, insisting he wouldn’t define them. Perhaps he’s channeling the wisdom of a toddler, declaring that certain people can’t possibly exist because he can’t see them. When pressed, he mused, “You’re making assumptions about the tax in relation to my working person definition,” showcasing the fine art of dancing around straightforward questions like a politician in a metaphorical disco.
And speaking of taxes, the financial fairy tale unfolds with inheritance tax and capital gains tax coming to the party. Yes, the very taxes that haunt our dreams of wealth and prosperity, now ready to rise and claim their stake—like a soap opera villain who just won’t stay dead.
Rachel Reeves, the chancellor and reigning queen of budget chaos, grinned and proclaimed that tough decisions awaited us—like she’s promising a thrilling rollercoaster ride when in reality we’re heading straight towards a fiscal brick wall. Apparently, a staggering £22 billion black hole in finances was unearthed, implying the previous government was not just bad but comically inept at math.
She confidently announced plans to redefine fiscal rules as though they were an outdated set of expectations thrown in the back of her closet. “We’re going to spend more—just you wait!” she beamed, painting a rosy picture of public investment, a promise as hearty as a soggy biscuit.
So here we are, caught in a maddening tango between what constitutes a “working person,” financial jargon that could baffle even a seasoned accountant, and a looming budget that might just play tricks worthy of a Victorian séance. Buckle up, it’s bound to be a ride full of contradictions and absurdities that would make even the most seasoned satirist chuckle in disbelief.
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