Sir Keir Defines ‘Working Person’—Still No Definition for ‘Taxpayer’

[ad_1]
As the British public braces for next week’s budget, we find ourselves pondering the same age-old question: what exactly is a “working person”? Sir Keir Starmer has finally defined the elusive species, claiming it’s someone who “goes out and earns their living,” which is a relief because for a moment, we worried it might involve actual work—or worse, responsibility.

In a thrilling soirée of vagueness, the Prime Minister charmingly danced around the definition of a “working person” like a politician at a charity gala: all smiles and no substance. Starmer’s definition might exclude those cheeky asset holders with their stocks, shares, and property—because clearly, if you’ve the audacity to own a wee bit of capital, you’re not truly “working.” If that were the case, surely the lottery winners should be crowned the ultimate workers for having “gone out” and scratched their way to fortune.

Now, the government insists it won’t raise taxes on these “working people”—the type that fumbles for coins in their inexplicably empty pockets to afford a cuppa. So, brace yourselves! Taxes on other people’s assets? Probably a goer, because as we all know, the rich aren’t really “working” anyway; they’re just working the system. Starmer’s spokesperson cleared this up with the kind of clarity usually reserved for cryptic crossword clues—if you have a smidgen of savings, congratulations! You’re still “working.”

Meanwhile, analysts say tax rises are inevitable, and as it turns out, there’s a charming £40 billion hole in the public finances. Whose fault is it? Ah, right—deflect that existential crisis away from the government and casually blame it on the “wealthy,” or at least those pretending to be wealthy. It’s high time we redefined ‘working person’ in the UK—how about anyone capable of not nodding off in the Commons? That seems more realistic.

As we await news of those taxes creeping up, Rigby warns the public will be asked to cough up more while staring hopelessly into the abyss of the gap between rich and poor, like an overworked cashier watching the self-checkout machine break down. So, raise your mugs to an unclear working definition of employment, as we wait for the inevitable tax hammer to drop—don’t worry, the only thing more baffling than the budget will be our bewildering relationship with the idea of ‘work’ itself. Cheers!