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In a plot twist that would qualify for a dark comedy series, a body has emerged from the murky depths of the River Thames, quite literally making a splash in the quest for a missing man in his 60s. Imagine being the only rower left afloat while your six brave compatriots take an unplanned plunge – the only thing more tragic would be if it happened during a team-building exercise on how to navigate life’s turbulent waters.
The now-unaccounted-for member of the Weybridge Rowing Club was last seen bravely attempting to conquer the Thames, a challenge probably devised by an overzealous coach eager to test the limits of human endurance— or perhaps just their sense of self-preservation. Officers have bravely fished out the body near Sunbury Weir, where the man apparently decided to take an extended holiday from life—sans sunscreen.
Surrey Police, in a display of detective prowess, declared the death “not suspicious,” which is comforting considering that the man went missing after his boat decided it was better off in Davy Jones’ locker. Formal identification is pending, but let’s be honest: his family has already been given the grim news and a “specially designated officer” is apparently there to offer emotional support—because nothing says “we care” quite like a well-trained professional standing by as you process the fact that your loved one went down with the ship, literally.
Chief Inspector Andy Jenkins has issued the standard line about the family’s privacy and grappling with loss, as if to suggest that the real tragedy here is that we live in a world where canoes and can’t coexist. An investigation is currently underway, which we can only hope involves at least one police officer posing the burning question: How many life jackets does it take to survive a rowing match gone wrong? Spoiler alert: Probably just one, but that’s assuming everyone knows how to use it!
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