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In a plot twist that would make Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” look like a lighthearted rom-com, the GOP has decided that people exercising their right to vote while abroad is just too damn radical. Who needs overseas military ballots when you can have an election filled with all the domestic voters—especially those currently enjoying their time in retirement homes instead of the trenches? This is the pinnacle of democracy, folks—where democracy means “don’t let anyone who can’t physically drive to the polls have a voice.”
Cue Sarah Streyder, the brave director of Secure Families Initiative, who found herself waving a red flag while stationed in England, shouting about the great American pastime of voting—right before her popcorn ball grandstand. Apparently, a spate of lawsuits filed in swing states are aiming to dropkick overseas absentee ballots into a bottomless pit labeled “Too Confusing; Just Vote Here Next Time.” Thanks to these lawsuits, Americans by the sea are faced with anxiety unprecedented since the last season of “Game of Thrones.”
As the fear festers, military personnel are starting to feel like pom-poms at a football game that’s just lost by 50 points: indistinct and largely unwanted. “Hey, buddies in Pennsylvania and beyond, don’t worry if your vote counts; it may simply be – according to the plaintiffs – that all those ballots are just fake IDs in disguise,” says Reschenthaler, who’s now looking more like a ‘Ram’ than a ‘Republican.’
Meanwhile, the Pennsylvanian Secretary of State declared the lawsuit as nothing but a “super-duper scare tactic,” because nothing says “we care about democracy” like a good, old-fashioned legal wrestling match. In North Carolina, confusion reigns supreme as officials either use their law books or their playbooks to declare civilians and military families can—gasp—actually vote, while sipping piña coladas.
As Michigan joins this circus, a defense attorney’s dream will inevitably come true, as Dana Nessel files her own briefs to legally swat away these Republican lawsuits with the finesse of a cat hacking up a hairball. Good luck separating those ballots, because surely it takes better verification skills than spotting unicorns with a monocle at a bar in Ibiza.
Veterans like Ray Kimball are feeling even more offended than a cat in a bathtub, asserting that casting doubt on absentee ballots is akin to calling his late-night pizza run a national emergency. “How dare you question the credentials of those overseas whose ballots were cast under less-than-perfect conditions?!” Who knew voting could bring such chaos straight from the bowels of Capitol Hill?
Now, if any of these characters were starring in a comedy skit, they’d definitely be nominated for an Emmy. Lawsuits appear more ridiculous than a mime in a balloon animal competition, leaving everyone wondering if the election process is supposed to be a joke—oh wait, it is! So sit back, grab your popcorn, and let America’s electoral process offer one of the greatest dark comedies of our time, filled with a twist of legal absurdity, a sprinkle of military pride, and a hefty dose of “Did that really just happen?!”
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