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In a shocking turn of events that nobody was really shocked by, judges in Michigan and North Carolina have decided that overseas ballots cast by voters who’ve never set foot in those states are just as valid as an expired coupon at your local grocery store. The Republican National Committee, known for its love of democracy—especially when it involves stuffing ballot boxes with only their preferred flavors—swooped in to challenge these ballots, although it seems they forgot to pack their substantial evidence for the trip.
You see, apparently, the GOP thinks that losing the overseas vote is akin to losing your last slice of pizza at a family gathering—nobody wants that, especially when the civilians abroad now outnumber the military voters (who’ve decided that they’d rather dodge bullets than vote). In classic Republican fashion, they claimed this was all about “election integrity,” which is code for “we really don’t want anyone outside our carefully curated voter demographic to have a say in anything.” Unfortunately for them, the Michigan court ruled that this was nothing short of an “11th hour attempt to disenfranchise,” as if they were trying to sneak an extra player onto the field just before the game began.
Over in North Carolina, the judge must have been quite the comic, denying their request to set aside ballots while simultaneously asking where the RNC had hidden their evidence of alleged fraud—maybe under the “we’ll just make it up” section of their legal briefs. Judge Smith pointed out that the entire legislation they were trying to challenge had bipartisan support—meaning both sides knew it wasn’t a ridiculous idea, and nobody invited the RNC to the policy party.
While the Michigan Secretary of State cheerfully declared the court’s ruling a victory for democracy—because who doesn’t love a good victory dance—in North Carolina, it seems like Republicans were taking a casual stroll down memory lane. Their entire strategy revolved around whining about civilian-expat turnout efforts that started reigning in after 2016—an era now lovingly remembered as “The Year of the Voting Fly.”
Patel, the Michigan judge, was quick to inform the RNC that it would have been “extremely difficult or impossible” to have a plan to reject thousands of ballots at this late stage—bless her heart for thinking they even had a plan in the first place! The RNC’s late-night filing antics must have left them in a pickle, as the judge put it, “It is hard to imagine a more prejudicial situation arising from plaintiffs’ delay.” Delay? Oh, sweet summer child, this was more like a political snooze button that powers down every four years.
All of this to say, officials in Michigan recently reported a grand Total of 16,000 requests for overseas ballots. In a state boasting over 8.4 million registered voters, that’s like throwing a water balloon at a tidal wave—shocking and mildly entertaining, but not quite enough to make a splash. And so, life in the political circus continues, with clowns in suits throwing pies at one another while the real show—the actual voters—gets pushed to the back row, struggling to see what’s happening through the hilariously poor manipulation of their rights.
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