Redfin Reports: Housing Market So Stuck, It Just Signed a 5-Year Deal with the Local Sports Team—Looks Like Both Are in for a Long Season!

In a shocking twist that has left economists scarred for life, only 2.5% of homes in the U.S. have changed hands this year in the first eight months. This dismal figure is apparently the result of the housing market’s bold ambition to make history—specifically, the lowest turnover rate in three decades. Cue the confetti.

Redfin’s analysis reveals that weary Americans are caught in a toxic love triangle with record-high home prices, elevated mortgage rates, and a crippling fear of commitment. The recent rate cuts by the Federal Reserve might have sparked faint whispers of hope, but for now, the housing market’s love life resembles a never-ending rom-com, minus the romance and with a lot more financial distress.

“What this data tells us is that the housing market in 2024 is like ice cream in a microwave—really frozen,” quipped Chen Zhao, Redfin’s economic research lead. Apparently, we said the same thing last year, but who knew this was a sequel nobody asked for?

If you’re keeping score at home, about 25 out of every 1,000 homes with “For Sale” signs are being snatched up by buyers, which is a whopping 37% less than the property frenzy of 2021—think “The Hunger Games,” but with fewer tributes and more existential dread. Oh, and don’t forget the 31% decrease since our “normal” year of 2019, when people traded houses like Pokémon cards.

Zhao further predicts that a “healthy” housing market would involve 30 to 40 homes changing hands for every 1,000. But sadly, we remain stuck in the sad-ville of 32 homes for sale per 1,000—the epitome of real estate scarcity that even a Monopoly player would avoid.

To make matters worse, there simply aren’t enough homes available for the weary buyers. Imagine a buffet with only a salad bar while everyone else is ready to dive into a lasagna feast. Well, that’s America’s sad housing market for you this year.

Not surprisingly, areas like Los Angeles lead the charge in low turnover rates, where 15 out of every 1,000 homes changed hands—an achievement celebrated with a round of sad trombones and collective sighs.

“In LA, it’s tough because wages are playing catch-up with housing prices—think of it as a three-legged race where both participants forgot to wear shoes,” said Jeremiah Vancans, a local Realtor with a knack for metaphors. Meanwhile, new homes entering the market are selling at prices that would make even a lottery winner raise an eyebrow.

Vancans also pointed the finger at the entertainment industry’s slump, claiming that the aftershocks of last year’s writers’ and actors’ strikes have left many entertainment workers more suited for “Survivor” than “House Hunters.” These folks are running out of cash faster than streaming services can launch a new reality show.

Meanwhile, Boston has decided to join the rest of the housing market in a slow-paced waltz, observing a 38% drop in homes changing hands since five years ago. Bravo, Boston—let’s add that to your résumé of historical significance!

In Austin, the once-flourishing tech hub has taken a hit so severe that every time a home sells, confetti should drop from the ceiling out of sheer surprise. With 30 home sales for every 1,000 houses, it’s a virtual garage sale where the items are just too darn expensive.

In stark contrast to this drama, Phoenix seems to be playing the real estate equivalent of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” Despite being the best-performing metro area, it still feels sluggish compared to the pre-pandemic frenzy, serving as a reminder that not even the desert can flourish forever.

Even in this oasis of real estate, Patrick Chamberlin, a Phoenix-based Realtor, claims that home sales have significantly decelerated since the halcyon days of 2020 and 2021, leaving him wondering if they left on the express train to Snoozeville.

“We haven’t quite recovered from the emotional fallout of what we were used to in those earlier years,” he mused, sounding remarkably similar to someone reminiscing about their glory days on a reality show that was canceled in season one.

In conclusion, the U.S. housing market is like a soap opera that somehow got renewed for a second season despite its lack of plot. As we collectively clutch our wallets and hold our breath, maybe there’s hope in the form of a miracle or a lucky drawing from a hat. Either way, buckle up, because it might be a five-to-10-year-long slog back to normalcy—or a complete reboot. Either way, we’re here for the chaos!