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In a stunning turn of events befitting a McDonald’s horror flick, a Colorado man has decided that the only suitable aftermath for his sordid encounter with a Quarter Pounder is a good ol’ lawsuit. This, of course, is following an E. coli outbreak that has sickened at least 49 die-hard fans of the burger across 10 states, bringing the term “happy meal” to a whole new, unappetizing meaning.
Eric Stelly, the brave soul at the center of this legal drama, reportedly indulged in a Quarter Pounder three weeks ago, only to experience what his lawyer described as symptoms that would make anyone reconsider their life choices—nausea, cramps, and a visit to the bathroom that would make a plumbing company blush. As it turns out, the “bloody stools” are not just a punk rock band name; they are a common gift from our bacterial friend, E. coli.
After enduring a few days of gastrointestinal chaos, Stelly made the noble trek to the local hospital, where he was graciously informed that E. coli had taken a personal interest in his internal landscape. It’s a classic tale of man versus fast food, with the villain being a deceptively tasty burger.
The legal complaint, filed in the land of deep-dish pizza and questionable decisions (Cook County, Illinois), accuses McDonald’s of various heinous acts, including product liability and the much-feared breach of implied warranties—because apparently, “This burger won’t kill you” is not a legally binding statement.
While McDonald’s has been tight-lipped about the toxic concoction at play, the FDA is putting their money on the slivered onions or beef patties as the likely culprits in this culinary crime. A typical burger, where you can never quite tell whether you’re getting onions or potential pathogens, has led to biting irony in fast food’s pursuit of “fresh and delicious.”
In a totally not panicked response, Joe Erlinger, president of McDonald’s USA and resident spokesperson for hope (and hopefully clean kitchens), assured the public on NBC’s “Today” show that the Quarter Pounders are safe—providing you don’t have a thing for slivered onions or questionable beef patties. “Enjoy our classics,” he declared, making it sound more like a dare than a guarantee.
“If there’s been contaminated product in our supply chain, it has probably already worked its way through,” he suggested as if the chain supply was a quick jaunt through a lazy river, completely ignoring the potential for health violations along the way. Because when in doubt, let’s just play limbo with food safety!
And if this slapstick affair wasn’t surreal enough, enter Ron Simon. With the confidence of a lawyer who knows a good grub-and-grievance case when he sees one, Simon is on the warpath—not just for Stelly but for at least ten other unfortunate “victims” who dared to believe that fast food might not also serve a side of dysentery.
Be it E. coli or a classic case of food poisoning, Simon believes this outbreak will go down in history…or at least on a list of unfortunate fast food-related fiascos. His team’s noble mission? To ensure that everyone involved gets not only their voice but also some compensation for their “suffering”—because nothing says healing like a hefty check while you’re recovering from a McMishap.
Meanwhile, McDonald’s has decided to become more selective about who gets to enjoy the beloved Quarter Pounder by removing the offending item from about one-fifth of its stores. Slivered onions are now a thing of the past—or at least a thing of extreme caution—hastily branded with an “abundance of caution,” which is a nice way of saying… well, we might have messed this one up.
In conclusion, as the investigation lingers like that old burger sitting in the back of the fridge, let’s remember: sometimes a meal intended to be fast and joyful brings about unexpected side effects. If anything, at least now we have a parody-worthy saga that reminds us—fast food is never really fast or safe enough. Bon appétit!
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