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PHOENIX — In a stunning revelation, NBC News decided to consult six Trump supporters regarding FEMA’s heroic non-response to Hurricanes Helene and Milton. Unsurprisingly, all six expressed their outrage—because when it comes to natural disasters, nothing says “help” quite like frustrated conspiracy theories.
Tyler Hammond passionately proclaimed, “There’s all these videos of good Samaritans trying to haul in water bottles and baby formula while FEMA swoops in like the world’s most unhelpful supervillains, shutting down all the fun.” He sounds like he’s auditioning for a role in a disaster movie—an ensemble cast where the protagonist gets steamrolled by government bureaucracy but has an infallible TikTok account to prove it.
His wife, Taylor Hammond, echoed his thoughtfully curated opinions: “They’re literally stopping American citizens from being nice to each other, and I mean, that’s just unacceptable!” Because instead of getting rescued, it seems they’d rather film a social media documentary on thwarted goodwill.
When asked where they got their groundbreaking news footage, both seemed to have gotten lost in the pixelated wonders of TikTok, that modern oracle of truth. Taylor also claimed candidly that FEMA was only tossing around a measly $750 in aid, drawing the stunned gasps from her fellow Trump supporters. “Meanwhile,” chimed in Patricia Kipp-Funaro, age 55 and apparently a certified economist, “they’re giving all our hard-earned dollars to illegal criminals just so they can vote on avocado toast legislation!” Forget the facts; let’s start a subcommittee on the avocado crisis!
FEMA, in its relentless pursuit of clarity, took to the internet—our generation’s Holy Grail—to debunk the flood of misinformation. They assured the public that they’re not stealing donations or blocking volunteers, because really, nothing says disaster response like a government agency with an aversion to kindness. They suggested that people channel their altruism into reputable charities instead.
As for the oh-so-dramatic $750 claim, FEMA was forced to clarify that’s just the opening scene of the funding saga—there’s a lot more to come in the sequel if they manage to pass the eligibility test.
Meanwhile, amidst all the myth-mongering, local Rep. Chuck Edwards asserted in a press release that FEMA is indeed not the villain of this tale, denying all those rumors about confiscating donations, while North Carolina Gov. Roy Cooper tweeted a reassurance that they are “working with all partners around the clock to get help to people”—because if playing whack-a-mole with misinformation were an Olympic sport, we’d be looking at gold-medal performances all around.
So, in this bizarre political carnival, the clowns are running the show, and the punchlines just keep rolling in higher waves than the floods themselves. Stay tuned, folks — it seems natural disasters have turned into quite the hot topic for political theatre, complete with absurdist acts that make you question if you’re watching the news or just a surrealist comedy sketch gone awry.
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