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In a plot twist that could only be described as a culinary horror story, fast-food giants Burger King, Taco Bell, KFC, and Pizza Hut have collectively decided to ditch onions faster than a bad date following a shocking Target=”_blank”>E. coli outbreak that’s been attributed to none other than McDonald’s notorious Quarter Pounders. Because who needs a little crunch when you can serve up a side of food poisoning instead?
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) dropped the bombshell not two days ago, releasing a Target=”_blank”>food safety alert as they watched the nation collectively clutch their stomachs in horror. Apparently, the E. coli menace has been wreaking havoc across multiple states alongside the burger that promises “freshness” while simultaneously screaming “please call your doctor.”
The culinary detectives over at U.S. Foods couldn’t help but join the investigation, promptly issuing an urgent Target=”_blank”>recall notification for those pesky yellow jumbo peeled, diced, and whole peeled onions “due to potential E. coli contamination.” Because nothing says gourmet like a side of bacteria with your greasy fare!
An FDA spokesperson, clearly channeling their inner Sherlock, stated that they’re on the case, noting, “We’re looking at all possible sources.” Well, they might want to check out the nearest fast-food counter while they’re at it!
Not to be outdone, an anonymous Burger King spokesperson (who presumably ducked into a bunker upon hearing the news) assured the public, “We’ve reviewed our supply chain.” They insisted there’s minimal crossover with McDonald’s suppliers, although a slight confession followed: “About 5% of our restaurants do receive onions from Taylor Farms.” Guess which 5% just got a little less fresh and a lot more paranoid?
Be not afraid! They state they’re all about those “whole, fresh onions” much like they’re concerned about their customers’ health. Employees can be spotted in the back, cutting, peeling, and possibly praying over them daily… just in case. After all, better safe than sorry with a dash of panic!
Meanwhile, Yum! Brands chimed in, confirming onions are out at Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, and KFC too, stating, “As we continue to monitor this mess, we’ve proactively removed fresh onions.” Oh, the irony! Talk about a recipe for success—remove one of the oldest culinary staples because of an E. coli crisis, and you’ve got a whole new flavor of fear.
With the CDC reporting a shocking 49 cases and 10 hospitalizations due to this onion disaster, one death has also been underlined—not exactly the type of ingredient anyone wanted to add to the menu. And following this, McDonald’s has already taken swift measures to cut out slivered onions and Quarter Pounders in various states. Because why stick to your guns when you can jump ship?
Joe Erlinger, the mighty president of McDonald’s USA, declared, “We’re very confident that you can go to McDonald’s and enjoy our classics.” Classics, indeed—unless you want some good old-fashioned E. coli with that! His call to action: “It’s important to promote public health”—clearly a euphemism for “quick, save the brand!”
As the saga unfolds, one thing is clear: it’s a brave new world in fast food, where the only thing sacred is the health insurance plan of any employee cut off from onions and Quarter Pounders. Stay tuned for the next episode of “Survival of the Fittest Fast Food!”
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