Netanyahu and Friends Decline Hot Seat at Probe While Picking Out Their Halloween Costumes

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In a plot twist worthy of a Kafka novel, the unofficial civilian probe into what can only be described as Israel’s “Oops, We Did It Again” moments is sending love letters to Prime Minister Netanyahu and his lawfully questionable entourage—because nothing says accountability like a polite memo inviting you to discuss your failures!

It appears that PM Bibi, Defense Minister Yoav Gallant, former PM Naftali Bennett, and National Unity’s Benny Gantz are playing a delightful game of “Let’s Ignore This Mess.” After all, why indulge in the inconvenience of testifying when you can just let the families of the bereaved wrestle with bureaucratic limbo? The bereaved, understandably tired of the state’s version of “don’t ask, don’t tell,” have requested a cozy little chat to explore ‘your ideas’—which sounds suspiciously like the world’s worst therapy session.

The quartet, responding to the nationwide push for accountability with all the enthusiasm of a cat at a swim meet, decided to decline the opportunity to sit down with the victims’ families. They’ve been given until November 1 to change their minds, which is like sending a birthday card a month after the party—not exactly what you’d call heartfelt.

Currently, the probe has managed to gather 130 witnesses, from senior IDF officials to local town mayors, each ready to sit in front of the committee and conjure tales of the day’s events like some tragic game of telephone. The only thread connecting these testimonies seems to be a common name that pops up frequently: “Netanyahu.” Apparently, he’s become the star of a reality show defined by catastrophic plot twists—tune in every Monday for episodes of “Oh, Not Again.”

As the probe seeks to dissect the state’s biggest security blunders, Netanyahu scoffs at the thought of an inquiry holding any merit before the dust has settled on the war, declaring it might disrupt his game plan against Hamas. Now, there’s a novel approach to transparency—let’s fight before we investigate our failures! It’s like saying you’ll clean your room after you’ve already covered it with dirty laundry.

At a memorial for the victims that curiously preceded the state-sponsored ceremony (because who needs official recognition when you can organize your own grief-fest?), Yonatan Shamriz passionately implored for a state inquiry. “There’s no leadership, no guidance, no responsibility,” he lamented, channeling a mix of a politician’s speech and a contestant from “The Real Housewives.”

And then there’s Gallant, who, with the gravity of a game show host, stated that the inquiry must dig into all figures involved—because nothing builds public trust like a finger-pointing competition among the people in power!

So, grab your popcorn as this tragicomedy unfolds. It’s a show where the plot might seem far-fetched, but in Israel, it’s a tragic reality—and the only thing more certain than the chaos is that no one in charge will be taking a long, hard look in the mirror anytime soon.