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In a shocking twist that has left no one scratching their heads, the Biden administration announced a dazzling achievement in the magical realm of student debt relief, claiming to rescue over a million borrowers who actually chose noble careers, like teaching, nursing, and rescuing kittens from trees. Yes, folks, while some are busy reaching for the stars, these brave souls are just trying to reach their paychecks without tripping over a mountain of student loans.

By wielding their enchanted wands—also known as government paperwork—the Department of Education sprinkled $4.5 million worth of fairy dust on 60,000 borrowers, bringing the grand total of relief to a staggering $74 million. This addition means that over the last four years, Biden’s administration has transformed a piddling $175 billion worth of student loans into mere shadows for 4.8 million borrowers. It’s like hosting a professional wrestling match, but every time someone feels a tap on the shoulder, they realize they just got a debt relief hug instead.

Let’s not forget the pre-Biden dark ages, where only 7,000 public servants received this “forgiveness” potion—what an exclusive club that must have been! Education Secretary Miguel Cardona lamented how “riddled by dysfunction” the program was before the administration took over. It was as if public service was a twisted carnival game where you pay a fortune for a prize that’s always just out of reach—until now!

In a moment that could only be described as administrative marketing genius, Cardona boasted a wild 14,000% increase in public servants awarded forgiveness. That’s right—more than an increase in eligible public servant jobs! Who knew pursuing a career in public service was like playing the lottery, where the odds of winning are measurably higher than any actual lottery?

However, before we get too comfortable with this newfound utopia of debt relief, we should mention that the administration has been busy playing legal dodgeball. Imagine the Supreme Court as the ultimate referee, blowing whistles every time Biden tries to throw a “forgiveness” pitch. Their decision last year kept 43 million borrowers from receiving a potential $20,000 windfall—because who needs economic relief when you can play a game of courtroom chicken instead?

And enter stage left: Vice President Kamala Harris, our very own Wonder Woman, who vowed to keep scrambling over the rubble of Republican roadblocks to deliver the goods. “While they block relief,” she declared, “I’ll keep laying the groundwork for an economy that works for everyone!” Because nothing says a bright future like a heroic battle against folks who also happen to claim they’re on the side of the people.

So here we are, applauding a government that’s seemingly winning a charm offensive against student debt. It’s like we’re all extras in a sitcom where the plot thickens over hefty loans and political capers, all while knowing that in the end, the laugh track feels just a little too forced.

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