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In a suspicious twist worthy of a culinary thriller, the latest E. coli outbreak has taken us on a cross-country tour of McDonald’s Quarter Pounders, spreading joyless germs to the tune of 75 unfortunate souls across 13 states. Not on the itinerary? 22 unplanned hospital stays and one tragic, if slightly absurd, death. Yes, folks, if you were waiting for some excitement on your Friday night, here’s one way to spice up your fast-food cravings!
Among the hospitalized, two were treated for hemolytic uremic syndrome—which sounds like a fancy Swiss watch but is in reality a serious complication from E. coli. Meanwhile, the solitary unfortunate who passed away had prior conditions; a rather morbid reminder that sometimes, you can’t blame the hamburger for everything.
According to the diligent foodie detectives at the CDC, the outbreak investigation debuted on Tuesday when they initially reported a mere 49 cases—almost quaint, really—before that number expanded as if it were a McMansion in a housing crisis. Early estimates suggested that this was just the beginning—cheers to that!
If you find yourself in Colorado, consider yourself lucky; that’s where most of the current gastro-adventures are taking place. But don’t worry; if you’re in Michigan, New Mexico, or Washington, you’re still eligible for this ill-fated meal plan! And various other states are casually invited to join the party: Iowa, Kansas, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Oregon, Utah, Wisconsin, and the ever-susceptible Wyoming. It’s like a meal prep plan gone rogue!
The federal agents, aka the FDA, are currently playing an elaborate game of “Where’s Waldo” with E. coli, focusing their magnifying glasses on the usual suspects: slivered onions and the beef patties that have been making a habit of contaminating our beloved Quarter Pounders. They’re still figuring out whether to blame the onions or the beef—it’s a real culinary whodunit!
Fun fact: All those interviewed about their gourmet journey through this outbreak reported dining at the Golden Arches, clearly marking McDonald’s as the hottest dining spot in town… for all the wrong reasons.
“The FDA is using all available tools to confirm if onions are the source of this outbreak,” shared a spokesperson, who undoubtedly hoped this would include a pizza delivery to their offices or possibly an uprising of vegetable detectives. They’re currently seeking onion samples; who knew onions could be stars of such a dramatic medical investigation?
In the wake of this culinary catastrophe, McDonald’s has pulled Quarter Pounders from about one-fifth of its outlets as if they were trying to control a multiplayer game of pandemic Monopoly. No more onions or quarter-pound beef patties until the dust—or should we say onions—settles.
Taylor Farms, the onion supplier caught in this culinary crossfire, decided to remove their yellow onions from the market “out of an abundance of caution.” And let’s face it, caution is really just panic with a better PR team. Meanwhile, US Foods, a distributor, is reminiscent of a clumsy waiter on a busy night, recalling four onion products because they might just be playing host to that E. coli party.
Not to be outdone in the drama of the culinary world, other fast-food giants like Burger King, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, and KFC, are trimming onions from their menus, desperately hoping the E. coli thriller doesn’t cross over into their own signage. It seems the onion’s supposed purpose is now overshadowed by its questionable reputation—who knew it could be such a liability?
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