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D.C. Circus — The Attorney General Edition
In the grand puppet show that is Washington, Kamala Harris is looking for her next marionette to hang the title of Attorney General on—should her magic spell manage to out-vote a former reality TV star turned criminal defendant (yes, we’re looking at you, Donald Trump). Trump’s presidency was a thrilling ride on a rollercoaster of chaos, and now it appears the Justice Department is limping out of that wild carnival, hoping it doesn’t drop the cotton candy on the way.
Kamala, who once donned the prosecutor cape, is cozying up to the current AG, Merrick Garland—who’s been holding the fort for what feels like eons (and yes, that’s a technical term in political years). He’s had a front-row seat to the theatrical disaster that was January 6, and now they’re both considering whether they need an intermission or a full-fledged exit strategy from the stage.
However, it seems like Merrick might stick around longer than a bad sitcom rerun since he’s climbing the ranks of longest-serving AGs faster than a political scandal can brew. And good ol’ Kamala, with her sights set on a new administration marked distinctly "Not Biden," must decide if they want to keep this plot twist alive as the players shuffle backstage.
As for potential replacements for Merrick—the excitement is palpable! Names are bouncing around like pinballs in an arcade, and here’s the lineup: North Carolina Governor Roy Cooper, former No. 3 at Justice, Vanita Gupta, and Damian Williams, who currently runs the Sovereign District of New York (because apparently, a little pomp is necessary for a district with such a big ego).
And oh boy, the critics are having a field day! Cooper is out because a far-right lieutenant governor might try a hostile takeover during his press tour. Gupta barely made it to the top previously, confirmed by the narrowest of margins—51 to 49—like a high-stakes poker game where everyone’s bluffing. Meanwhile, Williams, the first Black U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York, has garnered acclaim while juggling criminal cases that sound more like a plot from a bad Netflix series.
As the upcoming election day approaches—just days away—Harris‘s team is flooded with unsettling speculation about her Ambiguous Dream Team of potential AGs while publically insisting they’re too busy scheming to run a smooth transition. Spoiler alert: smooth transitions in politics are as mythical as Bigfoot.
Meanwhile, Trump, ever the showman, insists it was all a stage play gone wrong on January 6 while petting his army of devoted supporters who might just take a standing ovation, not for their conviction but for their willingness to storm the get into some trouble. As his legal team weaves a magical tapestry claiming they were acting "in good faith," one can only wonder what "good faith" looks like when turning a Capitol building into a paintball arena.
So as Harris prepares her “closing argument” speech—scheduled where Trump riled up the crowd to fight like hell—there’s an unscripted twist awaiting. With the ghost of January 6 haunting the backdrop and Trump frolicking around the notion of victory over reality, one can only sit back and enjoy the circus, popcorn in hand, wondering who will be the next player in this extravagant game of political chess. Stay tuned; the absurdity is just getting started!
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