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In an utterly shocking revelation from the world of professional sports, New York Jets offensive lineman Xavier Newman was unexpectedly carted off the field in Pittsburgh, following what the team called a “slightly inconvenient” neck injury during a high-stakes football game that really made you reconsider your life choices (also known as Sunday Night Football).
According to the official team statement, Newman would be missing the rest of the game—presumably to contemplate life without football—after he was unlucky enough to find himself at the wrong end of a particularly aggressive block. Honestly, who knew that playing an ultra-violent sport could lead to injuries? Next, you’ll tell me people trip while running marathons!
This moment of sheer athletic poetry occurred in the third quarter when the Jets’ hopes were dashed as quarterback Aaron Rodgers was graciously intercepted by Pittsburgh’s Beanie Bishop Jr., who seized the opportunity to go on a 41-yard jaunt that would make a second-grader’s school run look leisurely.
While Beanie gallivanted down the field, Newman was left to face the harsh reality of having his physics skills put to the test (Gravity: 1, Newman: 0), eventually leading to his awkward fall. His teammates surrounded him on the sidelines, perhaps trying to prevent a traveling circus from making it into the spotlight.
Meanwhile, “Sunday Night Football” viewers were kept on the edge of their couches (and plates of nachos) as it was revealed that Newman was conscious and had some movements left in his limbs—thankfully, as no one was prepared for a John Doe narrative here. He was strapped to a spine board and whisked away to a local hospital; a classic tale of an athlete’s unfortunate descent into medical bureaucracy.
In the post-game debriefing, Jets interim head coach Jeff Ulbrich, undoubtedly wearing a T-shirt that read “Could Have Been Worse,” announced, “Thank the Lord, his tests came back negative,” possibly referring to a conversation with heaven’s admissions office. “He’s traveling back with the team. Huge relief from that,” he stated, perhaps for the sake of anyone still worried about the fate of their beloved gridiron gladiators.
So here’s to Xavier Newman—an embodiment of athleticism who may need to take a knee, not just for the game but for all the moments where life graciously reminds us that maybe we’re not meant to conquer gravity… or our own choices!
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