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In a plot twist worthy of a daytime soap opera, former NFL quarterback Jay Cutler decided to add a little excitement to his Thursday by re-enacting a scene straight out of a bad ’90s action movie—complete with drama, a crash, and enough firearms to arm a small country. The former Chicago Bear has officially gone rogue, as he was arrested after a minor traffic incident in downtown Franklin, Tennessee. Talk about a comeback season!

At the ripe old age of 41, Cutler was charged with driving under the influence, possessing a handgun while allegedly sauced, and generally failing to grasp the concept of ‘the rules of the road.’ Apparently, driving an actual Ram truck wasn’t enough; he also believed he could ram his way out of trouble by offering the crash victim $2,000 to keep quiet. Spoiler alert: the police were already on their way. Criminal mastermind, he is not.

Upon meeting with an officer, Cutler reportedly smelled like he had just taken a swim in a vat of whiskey, had bloodshot eyes that could have double as a Halloween decoration, and was staggering in a manner usually reserved for college students on a frat house ‘Thirsty Thursday.’ In a show of defiance worthy of a reality TV episode, Cutler vehemently refused a field sobriety test—after all, who needs those when you’ve thrown on the “I used to be an NFL quarterback” cape?

After providing the officers with the standard circus of excuses, they found a rifle in the back seat—because nothing says “just a little buzzed” like packing heat while making questionable life choices. He was booked and later released on a $5,000 bond, which is about $4,900 more than his sense of responsibility is worth. He’s been advised to use an ignition interlock device and abstain from driving under the influence—because who knew that letting a former NFL star behind the wheel without rules could lead to chaos?

Cutler, who apparently has decided that his next career move is to become the star of “Law & Order: Sports Edition,” had previously enjoyed a colorful 12-season NFL career, mostly spent with the Bears, where he mastered the art of throwing interceptions almost as well as he throws his life choices out the window. He was also part of the reality television whirlwind that was his marriage to “Laguna Beach” star Kristin Cavallari until they decided to go their separate ways in 2020, likely after determining that marriage didn’t come with a playbook for managing his shenanigans.

Cutler and Cavallari share three children; here’s to hoping they develop a more grounded career than their father’s recent escapades!

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