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Kamala Harris, our Vice President and part-time therapist for Black men’s voting anxiety, has decided to host a “let’s-fix-this-mess” session by chatting up the crucial demographic that makes Democrats salivate like thirsty puppies: Black men. Because, let’s face it, if you’re a politician and you don’t have Black men on your team, good luck finding your way through the electoral jungle!
This week, Kamala will grace the airwaves with the ever-so-eloquent Charlemagne tha God, likely discussing why past decisions might have made Black men feel like they are auditioning for a subordinate role in a bad sitcom. And as a cherry on top, she’s swinging by Detroit to meet with Black entrepreneurs. Just what every worried Black man needs, right? A crash course in entrepreneurship days before decision-day!
In her scramble to show the “Black man outreach” is not just a footnote in a campaign filler document, Harris unveiled a spectacularly comprehensive plan to toss a million forgiving loans at Black entrepreneurs—because what says “I care” more than a bunch of zeros attached to loans? Add in an effort to invest in Black male teachers, and we’re practically drowning in goodwill! It’s either that, or they’re attempting to buy forgiveness with Monopoly money.
And who could forget Obama’s recent pep talk, which felt more like an intervention? He looked at the group of Black men like a dad who just caught you skipping school, asking, “You mean you’re considering not voting?” Oh, the horror! Apparently, the idea of sitting out while Trump exists is akin to choosing the Titanic as your dream cruise. So, camp out, Black men; it’s time to mobilize! Because sitting at home is like handing a loaded BB gun to the villain in every suspense movie ever made.
Polls are bringing the scary news that Black men are leaning towards Kamala like a see-saw—currently swinging at 76% for her, which is not bad until you realize it was at 79% last election. Must be those “excuses” that Obama warned them about still lurking around like bad houseguests.
Just when you think Harris is pulling ahead, we find out her main plan involves legalizing recreational marijuana. Because nothing shrinks legal barriers faster than rolling a joint! Meanwhile, Kamala calmly reminisced about her “past” with marijuana back when she was prosecuting like a little weed-hungry dragon. Now, she’s swiftly trying to whitewash that history—because nothing says “trust me” quite like a politician changing their tune faster than a weather vane in a tornado.
In a shining moment of clarity, Harris acknowledged the vast gaps those past laws created—like a buffet of injustice—and resolved to correct those cosmic errors. And all it took was her recent “Black Men Huddle” call—think of it as a team-building exercise for Black men seeking clarity while dodging political charades.
Some were buzzing that she needs to hit the streets and explore neighborhoods, stop by barber shops, and discuss real issues instead of throwing high glossary words around in town halls. Why not bring some brunch and do it over a plate of cornbread?
As the election loometh, it’s clear: Harris knows she needs the Black male vote more than a cat needs a sunbeam. Who knows? Maybe she’ll even throw a BBQ after this and promise free ribs. Because at the end of the day, it’s all about making sure everyone feels like they’re getting something—not just a bunch of hopeful promises and half-baked strategies. But hey, don’t worry. She’ll be at your doorstep soon—just looking for a place to bring all that political baggage and a secret stash of forgiveness along for the ride. Grab a chair—this election is going to be a real knee-slapper!
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