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In a thrilling episode of “This Is Your Life, Vice President,” Kamala Harris recently presented her medical records, proving that 59 is the new superhuman. According to her trusty White House physician, Dr. Joshua Simmons, she’s just your everyday healthy woman with a smattering of seasonal allergies and the occasional case of hives—because even politicians can relate to the perils of springtime pollen. That’s right, folks; her biggest health struggles are basically the same as choosing between two types of antihistamines during allergy season!
Dr. Simmons noted that while she’s been diligently avoiding the colossal threat of anaphylaxis, she has taken to treating her summer skin irritations with the fancy-sounding “allergen immunotherapy (AIT).” Yes, Kamala Harris is fighting seasonal sneezes with the medical equivalent of advanced wizardry.
He also reported that she maintains a diet that would make Instagram influencers weep with envy, coupled with a rigorous exercise regime that reportedly includes aerobics and core-strength exercises. It’s like she’s training for the Olympics, but instead, she’s preparing for debates. Bonus points for avoiding tobacco and drinking “in moderation,” which, let’s be honest, translates to enjoying a single celebratory glass of wine after every tiring political stunt.
In the excitement of finding out she’s as healthy as a horse (with allergies), it turns out her last medical exam was “unremarkable.” Not quite the cliffhanger she was hoping for, but hey—at least nothing else is out of the ordinary. The only notable blemish? A minor amount of sun damage, because apparently, even the Vice President has a penchant for soaking up those rays while plotting world domination.
Now, one may wonder why this circus of medical revelations is necessary. Well, because former President Donald Trump, in a plot twist worthy of any reality TV show, has promised to release his medical records “soon.” Spoiler alert: he launched a volley of insults about Harris’ qualifications instead. As if revealing the state of his health is on par with unleashing the ultimate political gossip. Per his spokesperson, Trump opted for timely updates from his personal physician, who once again confirmed Trump’s status as “in perfect and excellent health”—a phrase born from the ancient art of public relations.
While Harris confronts the realities of a modern political campaign, Trump is doing what he does best—casting shade. The campaign is in full swing, which, according to the Trump camp, is like an all-you-can-eat buffet of commitment compared to Harris’ supposed inability to juggle her duties. Meanwhile, a letter from his doctor contains all the specifics one could ask for—if you were a fan of vague endorsements that read like back-of-the-box summaries of the most boring movies ever made.
As if the comedy hasn’t hit its peak yet, the Harris campaign is now throwing shade on Trump’s age, flipping the script from the “Sleepy Joe” era. With her new ad, they ask viewers to contemplate the absolute horror—a world where the 78-year-old Trump gets a little too cozy with his reading glasses while staring vacantly at the nuclear codes.
So, while Harris is busy yoga-breathing her way through allergy season and gaining political traction with health screenings, Trump remains the ever-mysterious enigma, whose health mysteries are almost as riveting as the plot of a daytime soap opera. Who knew health records could be such a wild political battleground?
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