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Kamala Harris and Donald Trump threw a political shindig this Friday in the gloriously underappreciated state of Michigan, both furiously campaigning for a handful of precious Electoral College votes—15, to be exact. That’s enough to make a sloth with a coffee addiction look like it’s moving at warp speed.
In a dazzling display of political theatrics, they both flocked to Oakland County, the glitzy suburb that’s been playing hard to get with Trump ever since the educated and diverse crowd there collectively decided they’d rather not take advice from a Cheeto. Harris claimed Trump was “full of big promises” and, quoting the great philosopher Frank Sinatra, added he’s “one of the biggest losers of manufacturing jobs in American history.” That’s right, in the grand circus of American politics, Trump is the clown juggling flaming chainsaws while everyone quietly hopes he doesn’t set the tent on fire.
Harris flaunted her affection for labor unions like a teen displaying their new smartphone, vowing to persuade the federal government and private businesses to employ more workers without college degrees. Because who needs a degree when you can just get a spot in the never-ending parade of ads for Taco Bell?
Meanwhile, before pulling out his “Make Manufacturing Great Again” cap, Trump chatted up some nice folks about auto tariffs, enthusiastically declaring “I think it’s more beautiful than love, the word tariff.” Ah yes, nothing says romance quite like financial penalties on imported cars. If that doesn’t get the old heart racing, what will?
As the political stakes raised higher than a contestant on a game show spinning a wheel, the duo is scrambling to court union workers, Black voters, suburban moderates, and those Arab Americans left scratching their heads over the recent Gaza situation. You know, the same voters Trump’s been promising to either embrace with open arms or deport faster than an Uber on a rainy night.
While Trump’s trying to woo the Arab American community with heartfelt gestures (read: threats of mass deportation wrapped in fake news), Harris tiptoed around the rubble of international affairs, mentioning that the passing of Hamas leader Yahya Sinwar could magically create opportunities for peace negotiations. Because hashtag diplomacy is totally a thing!
In a riveting climax at a Detroit rally, Trump insisted that Election Day would be “liberation day in America.” You know, right after liberation day, it’ll be followed by “We’ve Finally Figured Out How to Share the Same Country” day. He promised the Michiganders that by the end of his term, the world would marvel at the “Michigan miracle.” Spoiler alert: most miracles come with a few awful side effects.
The shenanigans culminate with all the charm and grace of a duck trying to serenade a swan—awkward and hilarious. But hey, it’s just another chapter in America’s ongoing circus of political antics, complete with promise balloons and a clown car full of contradictions.
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