Hamas Leaders: Just When You Thought the Game of Musical Chairs Couldn’t Get Darker, Here Comes the New Round!

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In a perfectly timed plot twist worthy of a dark comedy, Israeli forces have decided to give Hamas leader Yahya Sinwar an unexpected exit, snuffing him out in a dramatic attack in the southern Gaza Strip. It’s almost as if the universe conspired to provide the ultimate “plot development” moment, like when the villain finally gets their comeuppance but the story just keeps dragging on.

Israel’s military gleefully announced their “big achievement,” claiming they simply “eliminated” Sinwar—who apparently was just chatting with three unsuspecting fighters about gardening or something equally non-threatening. Meanwhile, in the echo chamber of military victory, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu proclaimed that light triumphed over darkness and somehow managed to spin this into a new beginning for Gaza, because why wouldn’t the death of an elusive leader instantly solve decades of complex issues in the region?

Ah, but let’s not forget the responses, which are always the best part. Khalil Hayya, Hamas’s head honcho, took a moment from his ‘writing the next heroic ballad’ session to let the world know that captives won’t return until Israel comes to the table more compliant than an overcooked noodle. Meanwhile, the Israeli Hostages and Missing Families Forum, evidently moonlighting as an optimistic self-help group, welcomed Sinwar’s demise as a step toward securing the release of captives. Because who wouldn’t just line up for negotiations when the leader gets “taken care of”?

Across the Atlantic, President Biden declared it a “moment of relief” for Israelis, proving once again that good news travels faster than a speeding bullet—a bullet that perhaps could have been aimed at fixing root causes rather than just adding more drama to the blood-soaked soap opera that is the Middle East. Vice President Kamala Harris chimed in with a flourish, stating justice was served, because nothing quite says “justice” like a bit of extrajudicial violence.

The chorus of condolences from the political elite was wonderfully varied, each hitting all the right tones on this grim piano of geopolitics. Iran took the opportunity to wax poetic about martyrdom, romanticizing Sinwar’s demise like he was some tragic hero in a tragic play—a death worthy of an award, if they only had an entertainment industry still standing after years of turmoil. Hezbollah joined in, decorating Sinwar’s life story with medals of honor, as if his obituary had morphed into a recruitment flyer for a new film franchise.

And let’s not overlook the European Union, which apparently puts the “dis” in diplomatic as they labeled him a terrorist while simultaneously that old chestnut of wanting to end violence and liberate hostages gets trotted out. It’s classic bureaucratic brilliance, replete with the many voices of concern that seem to rise only when a narrative can be conveniently written in black and white.

All the while, various countries chimed in like they were competing for the best response during a role-playing game. Germany hoped Sinwar’s death would lead to a ceasefire, while the UK’s Prime Minister remarked that they would certainly not be shedding tears for him—because empathy and diplomacy are apparently controversial in times of conflict.

In this spectacular tableau of irony, where each actor plays their part in a tragedy that just keeps extending its run, we are left to ponder: when will the audience finally stop applauding the absurdity of it all and demand a different script? But alas, it seems the show must go on, with twists and turns sure to be as maddening as they are predictable.