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In a shocking twist that can only be described as political theater at its finest, Americans have decided that waiting to cast their votes is as engaging as watching paint dry. A recent NBC News poll reveals that 5% of registered voters conquered their procrastination demons early, with the rest still battling their internal conflict over whether to mail in their ballots or risk life and limb for a glimpse of democracy on Election Day.

With election season looming like a bad hangover, 47% of voters are planning to throw caution to the wind and vote early. Meanwhile, 52% of citizens are eyeing their ballots with the kind of commitment usually reserved for a Netflix series binge—it’s just easier to dive in before the inevitable cliffhanger of Election Day. Perhaps they remember the glory days of 2020, when they indulged in early voting like it was the hottest new fad, only to find themselves at 59% participation before they could finish their avocado toast.

Ah, the classic partisan schism! Trump supporters are clinging to Election Day voting like it’s the last slice of pizza at a party where everyone else has gone vegan. In a daring show of allegiance to their leader, they plan to cast their ballots in person, eschewing the mailbox with a 21-point lead over their early-voting counterparts. Meanwhile, Vice President Kamala Harris defies the odds with a hearty 17-point advantage among those who have already walked the early voting path, potentially making her the reigning queen of the pre-Election Day soirée.

In what could only be described as a political audition for “Survivor: Voting Edition,” 1% of the respondents have taken a bold stance of non-participation, choosing instead to skip voting altogether—clearly not impressed by either side’s campaign of counterproductive chaos. And with an ever-so-slight margin of error, one can only hope that those on the fence receive a divine intervention to help them choose between mail-in ballots and the thrilling adrenaline rush of standing in line.

In a world where the only certainty is uncertainty, the only definite conclusion is that the circus is in town, and each clown has their own unique way of throwing pies at the system. With partisanship reaching a fever pitch, it’s now up to the greatest show on Earth—Election Day 2024—to determine who will walk away as the ultimate ringmaster of mischief.

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