Germany and UK Join Forces to Hunt Submarines While Crafting Missiles—Proof that They’re Just One War Away from a Full-On DIY Defence Workshop!

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In a stunning new move that will surely protect the world from potential doom—or at least distract us momentarily from our existential crises—the UK and Germany have decided to send warplanes to patrol the Scottish coast like they’re on a never-ending golf retreat, all as part of the grandly-titled “Trinity House Agreement.” This is not just any agreement; oh no! This is a “milestone,” as Defence Secretary John Healey, with the enthusiasm of a kid on the last day of school, proclaimed.

Now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the absurdity of it all. After nearly a decade of weaponry production stalling, one might wonder why it took a full-scale invasion of Ukraine for the UK’s defence industry to wake up from its slumber. Surely that’s an oversight worthy of a sitcom pilot. Just picture the British artillery factory: “Well, gents, now that someone’s finally shot at us, it seems we may need to—what was that called again? Oh yes! Build some cannons!”

And just when you thought things couldn’t get more absurd, Berlin is joining forces with London to create missiles that are “long-range” without a hint of irony about their actual effectiveness. It’s as if they’ve decided the only way to truly face down a bear (or a blustering Putin) is with a much better arm.

Let’s not overlook our charming friend Boris Pistorius, Germany’s defence minister, who undoubtedly believes we can simply ignore the clouds of war looming over Ukraine while he enthusiastically high-fives his British counterparts. After all, who needs peace of mind when you can have cooperative cyber-defence discussions to protect undersea cables? I can see it now: “Hey Vladimir, why don’t you come over for tea instead of tampering with critical infrastructure? We’ve got missiles for that!”

So here we have it, folks, two countries that can barely agree on the finer points of fish and chips banding together to assure us all that security in Europe is a guarantee. Who needs a unified front when you can have questionable treaties named after historic landmarks? Thank you, Trinity House, for making us all feel deep existential dread with a side of dark humor in the face of impending doom. Now let’s grab a pint and toast to unforeseen consequences!