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Early in-person voting kicked off in Georgia on Tuesday, right on cue after a local judge decided to bring order to the circus and ruled that county election officials can’t just sit on their hands and ignore the election results because they fear ghosts of fraud and error. Honestly, who knew that “mandatory” was in the judges’ lexicon—right up there with “accountability” and “I swear this time will be different”?
In a dazzling display of civic duty, Georgia counties will allow residents to play democracy bingo for a whopping 16 days, and some are even offering an extra game on “Sunday, Nov. 1,” because heaven forbid a little divine intervention gets in the way of your right to choose.
The numbers rolled in with all the excitement of a kid on Christmas morning—187,973 votes sprinkled like glitter on what’s already a record first day of early voting, a figure that eclipses the 136,000 people who fancied voting back in 2020. Looks like Georgians are taking ‘getting involved’ to a whole different level.
And as if things weren’t absurdly entertaining enough, we find our buddy Judge Robert McBurney—who sounds like he moonlights as a referee at a toddler’s soccer game—making a ruling presumed to prevent some rogue election officials from getting rave reviews for their best performance of ‘Waiting Game: The Election Edition.’
But wait, there’s more! Georgia’s celebrated State Election Board has casually decided to mix up the election scene by amping up hand-counted ballots—inviting shady characters and your crazy uncle into the mix while holding a contest to see how long it takes to declare the winner. Think you’re confused? Let’s just say voting night will feel like opening a bag of popcorn only to find it’s filled exclusively with unpopped kernels.
Attorney General Chris Carr, probably wishing he had signed up to become a yoga instructor instead, warned folks that the board might be tiptoeing outside its legal boundaries faster than a cat on a hot tin roof. Meanwhile, litigation is hotter than Georgia summer days as the Democrats rally like it’s the Hunger Games and are ready to ambush some rule changes that conveniently pop up just minutes before the deadline.
On the ground, people are gathering at fish fries meant to lure voters—because nothing says “get out and vote” quite like a good old-fashioned catfish dinner alongside former President Bill Clinton patting people’s backs and dispensing wisdom like candy. “They’ve made it harder, but not impossible!” he insisted, probably fighting off nostalgia for his own glory days.
As for the Republican side, watch as the Trump show gears up for an epic premiere, complete with a town hall focused on women’s issues. Is it just me, or does that feel like putting a fox in charge of the henhouse? He’s returning to Georgia to remind everyone what happens when you dare let the “other” get too comfortable.
While Trump parades through town, Vice President Kamala Harris is using the stage to remind people that two women sadly met their end thanks to restrictive laws, ensuring that her campaign is anything but boring. “This isn’t just an election; it’s Mortal Kombat with a healthcare crisis as the backdrop,” she might as well scream while brandishing a sword that says “Women Unite.”
In a land where democracy resembles a reality show gone wild, Georgia is gearing up for one wild three weeks of voting—where every ballot cast is a plot twist in the next episode of “How Low Can We Go?” So buckle up, folks; it’s going to be a bumpy ride through the absurdity of democracy!
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