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County election officials in Georgia just got the memo that refusing to certify election results is, well, not on the menu. A state judge came down from his ivory tower with a ruling that essentially tells conservatives trying to play “whack-a-mole” with democracy that they can’t just swat away certified results because they suspect the ballots are secretly plotting against them.
Judge Robert McBurney, in an 11-page saga of legalese, ruled that the election superintendents have a “mandatory fixed obligation” to certify results, as if they’re tasked with the boring job of flipping a light switch at a power plant rather than, say, running a circus tent full of election dramas. McBurney dripped with sarcasm as he pointed out that local superintendents can’t just decide, out of the blue, that they’ve solved the case of the missing ballots like some sort of courtroom Sherlock Holmes.
Meanwhile, in a riveting subplot, Democrats are watching from the sidelines like it’s a reality TV show, waiting for someone to drop the next big scandal bomb. They’ve jumped into the legal fray over a rule requiring local officials to do a “reasonable inquiry” before certifying results—that’s code for “look around and say ‘meh’” to concerns about miscounts.
But fear not, Georgia voters! Judge McBurney wants you to know your votes can’t be silenced merely because someone’s discovered a suspiciously looking number. “If you let them play investigator, prosecutor, jury, and judge,” McBurney warned, “Georgia might as well return to the days of dueling pistols at dawn.”
Mark your calendars: the deadline for our local election officials to rubber stamp the results is November 12. Because nothing says “trust the process” like a court order and a ticking clock.
In a plot twist worthy of a soap opera, Fulton County has faced its own drama, being reprimanded for double-scanning ballots during the 2020 presidential fast-a-thon. But after extensive soul-searching—err, we mean election reviews—the findings revealed not so much as a ghost of widespread fraud. Just your typical “oops” moments in democracy, really.
The Democratic Party, feeling victorious, celebrated the ruling as if they’d just won an Olympic gold medal. Their joint statement echoed the triumph of “Look, we managed to keep the circus contained this time!” Yes, elections are free, fair, and secure—provided you don’t squint too hard at the process.
In a surprise twist worthy of a weekly cliffhanger, Adams—who fancies herself the grand inquisitor—has been told she can ask for “election information.” It’s like getting a backstage pass to a show you can’t quite enjoy because there’s always that one guy insisting he saw a conspiracy involving long-lost ballots from Atlantis.
Don’t you worry, folks! Any further concerns over fraud can be brought up later, like a bad high school memory, in the open court—where they decide not just who’s telling the truth but also who can out-shout the other in a game of “I’m right, you’re wrong!”
So stay tuned; the drama is just heating up, and democracy is still very much alive—though it might want to consider taking a break for therapy after all this.
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