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A record number of early votes have been cast in Georgia this Tuesday, as residents flock to the polls like it’s the last chance to pick a lottery ticket while the storm clouds of Hurricane Helene swirl overhead—because who doesn’t love a little danger with their democracy?

According to Gabe Sterling, the Secretary of State’s office’s enthusiastic cheerleader, approximately 252,000 ballots have been cast, prompting him to giddily declare, “Spectacular turnout. We are running out of adjectives for this.” Clearly, he hasn’t met the English language on its worst day.

Just when you thought last election’s drama was a mere soap opera, the Republican-led state has upped the ante, with Trump trying to reclaim his lost glory after a megaflop against President Biden. Honestly, it’s like watching a toddler tumble off a jungle gym and demand his trophy back—complete with lawsuits flying around faster than our government’s ability to deliver decent health care.

Further fueling the circus are new election management changes whipped up by the GOP, stirring enough legal challenges to make Houdini proud. Just as voters start believing this election might be smoother, the concept of absentee ballots edges toward retirement faster than an old dog.

Voting in Atlanta appears to be a dizzying affair—last year, lines stretched like a DMV at the end of the month; this year, however, Corine Canada reported that her wait was refreshingly short. “Last time I voted, I was standing in line like I was waiting to buy Black Friday sale items. Today, it was smoother than a jazz saxophonist on a Sunday afternoon.”

In a beautiful twist of irony, parts of Georgia are still feeling the aftermath of Hurricane Helene. Luckily, absentee ballots were sent out before Mother Nature threw her tantrum, leaving voters to ponder whether they’d rather root for absentee chaos or in-person mayhem.

Brad Raffensperger, the Republican watchdog of the ballot box, stated that around 250,000 absentee ballots have been requested—perhaps not enough to warrant a parade, but at least enough to consider a local karaoke night. Yet, as the state enforces stricter absentee rules faster than teenagers on a TikTok spree, experts warn that voters may opt for early in-person voting instead, because what’s more appealing than standing in line for hours instead of having the luxury of voting in your pajamas?

Raffensperger reassured everyone that they’ve got more safeguards in place than a bear at a honey convention, including audits of voting equipment. Who wouldn’t feel comforted knowing their votes are being scrutinized while politicians play their favorite game of “Will It Certify?”

During this political theater, Judge Robert McBurney looked like a referee at a football game gone wild, questioning whether newly minted counting rules tailored by the Trump-backed election board weren’t just cruel jokes perpetrated at the last minute. His concern is that certain unappetizing rules might lead to “post-election chaos,” because apparently, the already dysfunctional election system wasn’t chaotic enough.

Meanwhile, two voters in line took a stand against what they termed “Trump’s chaotic wild ride.” “We need to vote today to prevent as much chaos as possible,” declared Fay Ainsworth, citing the “vicious uneducated” foibles of the former president like she was summarizing a particularly unruly pet.

As the voting circus marches on, people like Kareem Rosshandler inject a refreshing dose of independent thought—shouting from the sidelines in favor of Jill Stein and demanding Democrats do something about foreign conflict. Because nothing screams responsibility like voting for a third party while bemoaning a broken system, right?

So, here we are in this grand electoral ballet where everyone is trying not to trip over each other’s feet while, somewhere in the distance, the echoes of “What was I thinking?” ring out—because we’re all just trying to dance this ludicrous tango of democracy without stepping on any toes—unless, of course, it’s Trump’s.

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