Gen Z’s Gender Gap: Young Women Flee to Harris While Young Men Remain Stuck in Trump’s Emotional Support Zone

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Welcome to the Political Circus—where reality is just the punchline to the surreal joke known as democracy. In today’s thrilling episode, we’re diving deep into the bizarre world of Gen Z voters; that peculiar age group that thinks TikTok is a form of self-governance and believes "abstinence" is a trendy new diet.

First off, the latest poll reveals that half of registered voters under 30 have decided to throw their lot in with Vice President Kamala Harris, while a third are clapping their hands for former President Donald Trump—who seems to be the most controversial thing since pineapple on pizza. Harris is riding high with a 20-point lead, which is impressive until you remember that Biden had a 24-point cushion last time, likely while simultaneously enjoying a nap. Among young women, it appears there’s a 33-point preference for Harris, while young men broke their calculators trying to decide and ended up saying, “Eh, it’s a tie.”

Speaking of ties, in our latest math problem, men believe Trump has the “right temperament” 46% of the time, whereas only 30% of women think "fascist" really should be a job title. Meanwhile, women seem to lead the charge on issues like abortion, while men might prefer engaging in a spirited debate about whether America needs more freedom fries or less democracy. It’s a tightrope walk of ideological absurdity, and let’s be real; it feels more like a circus act than a political discourse.

Now, on to the pecuniary carnival: outside groups have unleashed a jaw-dropping $1.1 billion into this presidential race. That’s right, folks. Over a billion dollars—enough to feed a small nation or at least keep the local Starbucks brewing for a century. Harris is apparently wearing the crown for the most cash spent on her campaign, as if she’s auditioning for a role in a sequel to Moneyball that no one asked for.

And let’s not forget the dramatic backdrop of her closing argument, to be delivered on the very spot where Trump’s fans tried to “fix” the last election by storming the Capitol with the finesse of a toddler attempting to tip a cow. Harris will try to convince us that democracy is worth saving while planning her own plot twist with some of the big Democratic stars—because nothing says “historic moment” quite like bringing in a cast of ‘90s sitcom favorites for the finale.

But don’t worry, America! Trump is also on his game, proving he can attack Harris with all the subtlety of a bull in a china shop, while secretly preparing to give anyone with a badge the boot as soon as he gets a whiff of the presidential seal.

In today’s top stories: Harris simultaneously calls Trump a “fascist” while putting the finishing touches on her sitcom-worthy script, complete with all the dramatic pauses. Trump is charmingly taking his campaign to town halls moderated by women, presumably to show he does, in fact, know how to do more than just yell at people.

And if you thought it couldn’t get weirder, Beyoncé will be gracing a campaign stop with her presence like a magical fairy godmother of politics, reminding us that when democracy gets tough, the tough call in a pop star.

So fasten your seatbelts, folks. The election is nearing, and if you thought a rollercoaster ride was wild, try following the twists and turns of U.S. politics. Just remember, it’s all a contest to see who can dance the best on the grave of common sense.