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In a world where political integrity is about as real as a unicorn in a tuxedo, a young-voter advocacy group supporting Vice President Kamala Harris has decided to launch a TikTok campaign targeting the adventurous demographics of tomorrow—those entirely uninterested in policies but deeply invested in trendy dance moves. Their mission? To persuade young fans of Green Party candidate Jill Stein to trade their eco-friendly dreams for a polished Kamala hustle.
Voters of Tomorrow unveiled their fresh take on “how to pick the lesser evil” this Tuesday, presenting a series of videos slandering Stein as some sort of grand magician of deceit—a cross between Elizabeth Holmes, the Fyre Festival impresarios, and that delightful fake heiress, Anna Delvey. “She’s literally worse than a bad Netflix series!” exclaimed 21-year-old Katy Gates, possibly donning a pair of influencer sunglasses in one of their viral masterpieces. “She may look like your favorite sweet grandma, but she’s been pilfering the country’s hope for years now!”
In a comedy of electoral errors, Stein’s campaign—the brainchild of lunatics who believe in actually addressing climate change and universal healthcare—has been compared to all-time fakes, with Voters of Tomorrow insisting she’s a farce long overdue for cancellation. Meanwhile, per an NBC News poll that reads like a script from a soap opera, Harris and Trump are locked in a dead heat, tied at 48%. The Green Party is polling at 1%, a testament to how few will bet on a horse that’s already limping.
Young Democrats, funneled into panic mode like cats into a vet’s office, have only to glance at the ghost of elections past to understand their plight. The ghostly specters of Wisconsin haunt them, where Trump managed to snag 27,257 more votes than Clinton while Stein dabbled her way to 30,980. It’s a historical horror story that continues to terrorize the party.
For millions of Gen Z voters—those just stepping up to the voting plate for the first time—this election is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to engage in the absurd. “We’re not trying to dictate your choices,” Voters of Tomorrow Executive Director Santiago Mayer claimed, probably while downing an iced coffee. “We just want to make sure you’re well-informed when you inevitably make a tragic choice that leads to mass chaos.”
Gates cogently explained that the goal isn’t the White House itself; it’s merely to ensure Harris doesn’t program the country’s remote to “Donald Trump.” A true mission for today’s young heroes.
Meanwhile, the DNC, feeling the heat, has released their first ad against a third-party contender, breaking the age-old tradition of pretending third-party candidates don’t exist. In a scene reminiscent of a reality TV showdown, they feature Trump praising Stein, dropping gold nuggets like “A vote for her is basically a vote for me,” which, in reality, is just good old-fashioned political strategy: create chaos, then sip tea while watching it unfold.
The TikTok universe, which is currently both the future of democracy and a reality show waiting to happen, has ignited a family feud among the left, reminiscent of a Thanksgiving dinner where no one can agree on whether pumpkin or pecan is the “true” dessert. “It annoys me that people claim to want change while gluing themselves to their couches,” one TikToker lamented, perfectly summing up the existential crisis of the left.
And just like that, the electoral circus continues, complete with acrobats of misinformation, clowns of empty promises, and, of course, the grand illusion of choice. Welcome to the show, dear voters!
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