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Fisher-Price, the purveyor of playthings designed to make your life as a parent slightly more manageable, has found itself in hot water again! On Thursday, it merrily announced a recall of two components from its darling Snuga Swings, products that gently sway your baby to the sweet sound of potential catastrophe. While they’re marketed as soothing, parents are now warned not to use them for sleep—because, as it turns out, babies snoozing in them might just end up in a rather permanent nap due to a suffocation risk. Isn’t that just delightful?

In a shocking plot twist, between 2012 and 2022, the Snuga Swings have been linked to the untimely demise of five innocent infants while they were peacefully dozing. But, of course, the majority of these tragedies were caused by parents prepping these swings for naptime with added bedding—because nothing says “let’s make this safe” like a pile of fabric in a gadget not designed for sleep!

In a refreshingly corporate move, Fisher-Price advised consumers to yank out the headrest and an innocent-looking insert from the swing because those components are now on the naughty list, greatly increasing the chances of a suffocation situation. Oh, and those who kindly comply with the removal can look forward to a thrilling $25 refund—if they cut the components in half, label them, and send proof like they’re about to win a twisted version of a lucky draw.

In a not-so-subtle jab at Fisher-Price’s approach, Richard Trumka Jr., a commissioner of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, expressed concern that the company’s woeful efforts might leave babies swaying perilously close to risk. He passionately stated that they need to recall the entire product and reimburse the full $160 price tag. Righteous indignation level: Maximum. “My advice: cash in on that $25 refund and chuck this contraption in the trash,” he declared, clearly with an eye on parental safety over product loyalty.

When pressed for comment, a representative from Mattel—parent company of Fisher-Price—masterfully avoided addressing the horror of the situation by redirecting inquiries to their meticulously crafted announcement. Because what’s a corporation worth if it can’t dodge a few bullets, right?

Unsurprisingly, safety experts are in agreement that inclined sleeper products, like baby swings and rockers, are like handing your baby a one-way ticket to disaster since their little noggins can easily slump forward and create breathing difficulties. Experts recommend a proven method of setting your infant down on their backs on a firm, flat surface for sleep. Revolutionary, I know.

In a way that feels like the government borrowed a page from a horror novel, Congress banned inclined sleepers for infants in 2022, but only for products with an incline greater than 10 degrees. So if you were hoping to buy a partially dangerous swing for that growing tyke, you might be in luck—up to the first birthday at least!

Fisher-Price insists that infants may continue using the Snuga Swing while awake, as long as they ditch the two recalled parts first. However, they emphatically caution against using it for sleep, adding that blankets and unsupervised, unbuckled infants are definitely not on the to-do list—like it’s a new age parenting seminar rather than a product announcement.

This partial recall affects a stunning 2.1 million Snuga Swings sloshing around in the U.S. from October 2010 to January 2024, available through your favorite mega retailers like Amazon, Toys R Us, and Walmart. They even partially pulled back about 99,000 swings in Canada and hushed a measly 500 in Mexico because when things go wrong, they go big.

In the last five years, Fisher-Price has made headlines with a series of product recalls reminiscent of a horror movie binge. For instance, they pulled millions of Rock ‘n Play Sleepers after racking up an impressive score of 30 infant deaths, primarily due to rolling accidents—whose idea was it to mix sleep and rolling anyway? Eight more deaths followed, proving that sometimes, reminders are essential, even after the recall went into effect.

A 2021 congressional report detailed that Fisher-Price might have been ignoring safety evidence—because if you’re a corporation, who needs conscience when you have profits? In the grand tally, at least 100 infant deaths were danced around, linked to their beloved Rock ‘n Play.

There’s more! Another four infant deaths have been adding to Fisher-Price’s horror log from the Rock ‘n Glide Soother—a seat that vibrates and moves back and forth. A 2021 recall followed after reports of babies being found on their stomachs after being placed in an unbuckled slumber position. But hey, they also recalled the Soothe ‘n Play Gliders around the same time, and don’t worry, that one had zero deaths associated with it (yet).

Then came the mother of all contradictions in 2022 when Fisher-Price warned that 13 infant deaths had been tied to the Infant-to-Toddler Rockers. However, rather than recalling the products, the company issued a gentle nudge reminding customers that the products must not be used for sleep. In a heartfelt letter to Congress that year, Fisher-Price suggested that their rockers could be used safely—if monitored. Because what’s parenting if not juggling constant vigilance alongside a flammable contraption meant to soothe?

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