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In the culinary circus of corporate America, a new act has emerged featuring the deliciously dubious duo of Burger King and the all-mighty Yum Brands, which, as fate would have it, owns our beloved Taco Bell. Fresh off the grill of chaos, these fast-food juggernauts have decided to play a little game of “hide the onion,” all thanks to an E. coli outbreak that decided to crash the party—invited by none other than McDonald’s.

Last seen twinkling atop Quarter Pounders, those pesky onions have now slipped into obscurity, banished from select Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, and KFC restaurants like last weekend’s leftovers. A Yum Brands spokesperson proclaimed, with the seriousness of a doctor at a post-op consultation, that they are merely exercising “abundant caution”—because what’s a burrito bowl without a little paranoia to spice it up?

Now, you might wonder how many of Yum’s restaurants have decided to go onion-less, but rest assured, that information is as elusive as a clear answer from a toddler. They also didn’t clarify if this action was a direct response to McDonald’s onion emergency or just the result of a mass exorcism of fresh veggies gone wrong.

Speaking of whacky situations, let’s turn our attention to Burger King, who, in the spirit of full disclosure (and possibly misguided fear), is tossing onions from 5% of its U.S. locations faster than you can say “hold the condiment.” Apparently, their onions were sourced straight from the Taylor Farms Colorado production facility—now infamous and possibly better known as “Onion Ground Zero.” What could go wrong, right?

In a twist of corporate hierarchy, Burger King bravely reassured us— “We only use whole, fresh onions!”—as if that tidbit was the golden ticket to health safety. Employees are personally dispatched to perform the noble deeds of cutting, peeling, washing, and slicing those onions. But wait! Before you get too excited about that freshly sliced goodness, the chain decided to dispose of those troublesome onions like yesterday’s news, all in an effort to bolster its image as a responsible food purveyor.

Meanwhile, health authorities are channeling their inner Sherlock Holmes, investigating the E. coli outbreak that has led to one death and 49 confirmed cases across 10 states, while 18 interviewees regretfully recount their last rendezvous with a Quarter Pounder. Ah, nothing like the aroma of industrial beef mixed with a side of potential death to get your appetite rolling.

In a frenzy of food safety, McDonald’s has pulled Quarter Pounders from about a fifth of its U.S. restaurants, taking it upon themselves to interrogate those sweet beef patties and slivered onions under the harsh spotlight of scrutiny. They claim the only precious onions involved crucially come from one single facility—sorting them out like a game of unhealthy musical chairs.

So, if you happen to wander into a fast-food establishment in the near future and notice that the onions have mysteriously vanished, fear not! It’s just another day in the twisted funhouse mirror that is the business of fast food. Remember, in the wild world of corporate cuisine, caution isn’t just the best seasoning — it’s the only thing keeping the health department from crashing the party!

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