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Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro has declared Elon Musk’s latest scheme to sprinkle cash among registered voters like confetti at a corporate launch party as “deeply concerning.” Who knew that democracy was just a numbers game? It’s almost as if Musk has mistaken Election Day for his own personal lottery night! “Law enforcement might want to take a look at this,” Shapiro quipped, probably while shaking his head in disbelief at the absurdity of it all.
Just a day after Musk made the bold announcement that he’d give away a cool million a day until the big voting day to random voters who jumped through the flaming hoops of his petition—favoring “free speech” and “the right to bear arms,” because nothing screams democracy louder than a cash incentive—Shapiro wasn’t about to let this slip by unnoticed. A super PAC that sounds like it should come with its own fireworks display and a parade, because what else do you need for a political rally than an exorbitantly rich tech wizard tossing dollar bills like he’s at a strip club?
But let’s not confuse Shapiro’s reservations with mere political rivalry. After all, Shapiro and Musk disagree like coffee and ketchup, with Musk throwing his weight behind Trump and Shapiro thinking Trump is, well, let’s say, a bit of a misguided missile. “Musk has a right to his opinion; too bad it’s wrong!” Shapiro noted, highlighting the absurdity of a billionaire gifting out cash and still leaving the door ajar for a reasonable debate.
While Shapiro twisted in his seat trying not to get vertigo from the comedic tilt of democracy, legal experts were having a field day. “Clearly illegal,” proclaimed Rick Hasen, a law professor who seems to exist just to make politicians squirm. Citing a federal law designed to keep democracy clean, Hassel seems to think that giving people money to register to vote is just a smidge over the line, like trying to win a hot dog-eating contest by rolling the competitors in mustard.
“Essentially, you’re setting up a lottery but only for those who register to vote,” he warned, painting Musk’s cash dash as a twisted carnival where the prizes are democracy and dubious legality. In essence, making democracy feel less like a noble civic duty and more like a money-grubbing carnival game. “Step right up! Vote for your dreams. Cash prizes await!”
So, while Musk’s super PAC goes about its lottery masquerade, it seems that the question of whether federal authorities will rain on his parade remains a mystery akin to whether a cat loves you because you provide food or because you’re essentially its servant. All we can do now is sit back and watch this bizarre game of political Monopoly unfold, hoping no one lands on “Go Directly to Jail” while trying to collect their million-dollar checks.
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