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Ladies and gentlemen, grab your popcorn—Election Day is just two weeks away, and the circus is in full swing! Reports of more than 15 million Americans temporarily escaping their daily lives to pull levers and mail in ballots have reached the headlines, ballooning to over 18 million. It’s like the lottery, only instead of winning money, you might just get a slightly preferable version of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
In the great peach state of Georgia, Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger, the man who probably dreamt up the world’s least exciting reality show, expects 70% of the votes to arrive before the big day. Picture it: a slow-motion stampede of very serious citizens hurriedly marking boxes, while they desperately avoid any ideas of actually researching the candidates.
Oh, and let’s not forget the GOP’s thrilling comeback. Republicans are allegedly cutting into the Democrats’ early voting advantage in swing states like Nevada, where in a shocking plot twist, more Republicans than Democrats are casting votes. It’s a race, folks—they’ve realized that all this “vote by mail” fuss works quite like an online shopping spree, but with fewer returns and slightly more existential dread.
And just like that, the “blue shift” many Democrats fondly recall from 2020 might not be a thing this year. What an amazing rollercoaster ride! Equal votes, people! Unless the early ballots cast during the pandemic have your name on them and are suddenly more valuable than gold in a post-apocalyptic world!
On the other hand, it appears our friend Donald Trump is reluctantly embracing early voting. That’s right! The man who views anything that resembles a queue as an enemy is now encouraging his cadre of supporters to cast their ballots early—because why wait to reserve your seat at the end of the world?
In a twist to rival any soap opera, Trump is forced to hold an array of campaign events in Georgia, the battleground state that could either be his all-you-can-eat buffet or the last supper—just depends how the menu is read by the voters this time.
Meanwhile, independent voters in North Carolina are poised to make the call. Why? Because those indecisive types are the new Oracle—seriously, it’s either them or a bunch of fortune tellers who haven’t seen a crystal ball since the last election.
Voter demographics are shifting faster than a politician’s stance on climate change. In Georgia, more women seem to be flocking to the polls—though one would think we were voting on whether or not to allow air-conditioning on the sun. And in Wisconsin, men apparently thought they’d better skip voting and take a leisurely stroll instead, which is definitely the way to secure a bright, sunny future for our democracy.
But fret not! In the land of contradictions, Black voters are holding steady at 31%, just about keeping pace with historical comparisons—as though the entire political process is nothing more than a mildly entertaining episode of “Game of Thrones”—without the dragons, of course.
As the old adage goes, “May you live in interesting times.” And it seems we’re in the middle of an episode that could easily be retitled “Clowns to the Left of Me, Jokers to the Right.” Stay tuned, folks! It might just turn out to be one wild ride to oblivion or, who knows, maybe a functioning democracy.
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