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Ah, the ancient city of Elaiussa Sebasta, where civilization flourished like a loaf of bread left too long in a hot oven—beautifully charred and utterly forgotten. As archaeologists dig up over 5,000 artifacts while we scramble for a parking spot on the Mersin-Antalya D400 highway, it seems like we’re not so different from our ancestors: busy accumulating stuff while ignoring the thrill of existential dread.
This excavation saga has continued for 29 seasons, akin to an unending soap opera, where every episode reveals more amphorae and coins, but somehow less common sense. A reminder that we’ve always been adept at collecting objects, regardless of whether we’ve learned any lessons from the past. Our society superstars, Asena Kızılarslanoğlu and her excavation crew, announce the delivery of 880 items in just four years—not too shabby when you consider how difficult it is to find anything meaningful in today’s turbulent sea of TikTok dances and overpriced lattes.
“Look at all these jars!” they say, as if hoarding ancient vessels will somehow solve the contemporary crisis of everyone hoarding… well, everything else. But hey, who cares about social justice, rising inflation, or the occasional earthquake when you can unearth a couple of grave gifts that illustrate the vibrant trade life of a bygone era?
Meanwhile, we’re in a constant cycle of “restoration” for artifacts and our sanity. Our brave archaeologists seem optimistic that soon the world will rush to admire the spoils of their labor—after all, nothing screams tourism like gazing at ancient refuse left behind by people who also didn’t know what they were doing. Perhaps we’ll call it “The Open-Air Museum of Systemic Disappointment,” where the ticket price will surely cover the emotional reparations for generations left wondering when their history lessons got lost in translation.
Kızılarslanoğlu assures us the city is vast and filled with potential, just like the dreams of those sitting in traffic on the D400, lost in their fantasies of better days. As they attempt to map out the ruins for future tourism, let’s not forget: the only thing that truly needs excavation in Türkiye is the way we treat our present—the irony being as heavy as that artifact-laden museum where we hope to find joy one day.
So brace yourselves, dear citizens! As the excavation digs deeper, we may soon uncover not just fragments of pottery, but the final resting place of reason in a world so enamored with tourism that we forget to check if anyone still knows how to live.
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